I will never have a relationship. Singles and loneliness: People who have never been in a relationship

Personal relationships require a certain amount of courage from us: they require openness to our partner, and this makes us vulnerable. Why is the fear of revealing your weaknesses to others so strong? And how to cope with it? Family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova answers.

I'm 30 years old and I've never had Serious relationships. I'm quite attractive, I have good job and many friends. Sometimes I have one-night stands, and from time to time it comes to a second date, but for some reason the relationship never develops further. I tell myself that I’m happy with everything anyway, I have a wonderful life, filled with interesting events and meeting friends. Somewhere in the depths of my soul I dream of a relationship, but at the same time I am afraid of opening up to someone and being rejected. Perhaps I'm doing something wrong?

“The main thing is to take the first step”

Inna Khamitova, family psychotherapist:

Our desire to create and maintain long-term relationships is hampered by various fears: the fear of being disappointed in a person who will not meet our ideas of an ideal life partner. Fear of dissolving into a partner and losing yourself. Fear of losing freedom by allowing someone to interfere in our well-established life... But you write about something else - that you are “afraid of being rejected.”

In general, psychologists are approached with such complaints quite often. Moreover, these are really real smart and beautiful women, interesting, sincere, emotionally sensitive, who ask: what’s wrong with me? Unfortunately (or fortunately?), our ability to build relationships with others depends very little on how beautiful we are externally and internally. It depends on how much we are able to open up, be close and demonstrate to another our interest in him.

Revisit the past

You may have had a traumatic experience where you had high expectations for a relationship that was (or was) about to begin, but you were rejected. Or the relationship did not work out, and you are now projecting this situation into further meetings. But most often, our fear of rejection appears much earlier, even in childhood, and depends on the type of attachment that developed then.

If we have formed a secure type of attachment, we willingly make contact, easily open up to other people and understand that even if we are rejected, we will cope with it. We are capable of being alone and finding beauty in solitude. At the same time, we feel the need to share our daily experiences, thoughts and feelings with another person.

But if the parents were too distant or unpredictable and the child did not feel their love and support, did not feel safe, then in the future he will associate any close relationships with pain, fear, loneliness, or with something unstable and anxious. Growing up, such a person strives for close relationships, but at the same time, he is unconsciously afraid of the pain (anxiety, disappointment, rejection, loneliness) with which they are associated for him. And then his behavior when choosing a life partner may be rejecting from the very beginning.

Fear of intimacy

Long-term relationships require a certain amount of courage because they involve openness and trust in the other, and this makes us vulnerable. When entering into a relationship, we always risk being abandoned, not accepted, and receiving condemnation and criticism instead of support and approval.

Maybe the initiator of breakups is not your partners, but you, because there is something that doesn’t suit you about them? Maybe you are looking at a person under a “magnifying glass” and exaggerating his shortcomings.

Fear of discovery makes many of us avoid any deep relationships.

But think about it: unwillingness to accept another as he is is also a kind of defense. Behind this, too, lies a fear of intimacy, a fear of letting someone in. Why is the fear of opening up and demonstrating your weaknesses to others so strong?

A person with an avoidant or anxious type of attachment usually, from childhood, develops a clear concept of why his parents abandon, criticize, and reject him. Most often the reason is one: “because I’m bad.” For a person who, deep down in his soul, is convinced of his own worthlessness, someone else’s criticism, any harsh word spoken to him, is confirmation that the other person really saw him weak spots, its imperfections. He saw something that only he knew about himself. How can you open up to someone with such a sense of self?

A terrible fear of exposure makes him avoid any deep relationships.

Take the first step

I can assume that because of the fear of being rejected, you are already tense on the first date and try to emphasize your disinterest in the relationship, which can be perceived as detachment and coldness. Perhaps you demonstrate excessive independence, are pointedly ironic and arrogant. Or you talk with such enthusiasm about your work, travel, friends that your potential partner does not understand why you actually need him and whether there is a place for him in your life.

Be in contact

If you are absorbed in your anxiety, you do not see the one who is now in front of you. It is as if you are close to the person, but not in contact with him. And he reads it. Try to calm down and enjoy the date. You're not going for a job interview, you just want to have a good time.

Don’t ask yourself whether things will work out or not, what impression you will make... Imagine that you find yourself in an unfamiliar city, perhaps for the only time in your life - how will you behave? Most likely, you will try to discern something special in him, feel his individuality, and form an impression. You won't think about how you look on its streets.

Relax and just look at who is in front of you now

In a word, relax and just look at the one who is now in front of you. What is this person like? Try to tune in to his wavelength. Ask him about himself: how he lives, what he likes, what interests him. Show that you are really interested in him.

The next step could be some kind of joint activity that is important for both, a business, a project that naturally It will bring you closer, force you to open up, express yourself. Possible variant– classes in a dance studio. But all this, of course, makes sense if your partner is attracted to you, if you feel attracted to him.

Learn to be friends

How can you advise a person who already has experience of unsuccessful meetings not to be afraid of pain and rejection? It is difficult to open the visor if you are constantly expecting a spear to fly in your direction. But this can only be cured through contact. You say that you have many friends. But from your letter it is not clear whether there are men among them and what kind of friendship this is. Try to consciously create friendly relations with a man. And gradually, without doing sudden movements, without opening up right away, add a little more sincerity and warmth to this relationship. Most likely, by revealing your weaknesses to him, you will find that it is also not easy for him to come out of his cocoon, and he also needs support.

I want to emphasize: the establishment of genuine contact is facilitated by relationships built not on competition and rivalry, but on support and trust. And I will also add that the ability to trust is a very fragile thing, and often it is most successfully built only as a result of working with a psychologist. Sometimes quite long.

I'm 24 and I've never been in a relationship with a guy. They rarely try to get to know me, and if they do, it’s older men or gopniks. But I don't need this. Those I like don't pay attention to me. I don't need those who like me. And I want reciprocity. The same thing happens time after time: I like a person, but he doesn’t pay attention to me. Parents say: “Adapt, turn your head, you don’t have to go to bed, meet someone who needs you.” I can not do that. Why would I just twist a person’s brains like that? After all, I want a normal, full-fledged relationship with a person who is interesting to me as a man, and not as a friend.
I cry for a long time. Every day. I no longer believe in anything. Neither in God, nor in fate, nor in luck. And it already seems to me that I will be left alone in old age, I will be an old maid.
What about psychologists? They say that to change your attitude to the situation, they prescribe antidepressants.
And I have lost the desire to live, nothing makes me happy. And I have already come to the conclusion that it is better to end this - a couple more years like this, and I will reach the bar and commit suicide, because my life seems unbearable. I can’t always feel unhappy, useless and uninteresting like a girl.
What to do and what to do?
Support the site:

Lulu, age: 24 / 31.07.2014

Responses:

Lovely girl! I just want to say that you are not alone! I’m 28 years old, I’m not married, I don’t have children and I’m not even dating anyone, I’ve been alone for many years of waiting. I am a beautiful, interesting girl and no one will ever believe that I don’t have a single fan)) I, just like you, want to meet someone who will need me, and I also want reciprocity. I want you to understand that you and I are not alone! And temporary(!!!) loneliness is not at all a reason to take your own life! Just imagine for a second how much pain you can inflict on your parents, this pain will accompany them all their lives, torment their souls! Think about them, about your mommy and daddy, who were waiting for your birth and thanked the Lord God for you! You are only 24, and the fact that at your age you did not have relationships with young people makes you just a diamond in the background modern girls! There will definitely be a man who will appreciate this, appreciate your purity, beauty and you will definitely be loved! At the end of my letter, I want to tell you: turn to God with all your thoughts, with all your being! Believe that He hears your prayers, just don’t stop asking and believing, I will believe too... Happiness to you and unshakable faith!

Leaflet, age: 28 / 31.07.2014

Hello. What can I say, you need to leave the thought for a while that you don’t have a boyfriend. The more you think about it, the more they drive you into a state of self-pity. Don't try to drag a person into your life. You will have everything when you are ready. Learn to live alone without a boyfriend. Chat with friends, visit different places, go to dances, discos, cinema, excursions. You can meet there. But again, you first need to form a trusting, friendly relationship with the person, then maybe you’ll like it. If you skip friendship and go straight to bed, then, as a rule, such a relationship will not last long. What is expected for a long time is more valuable; what takes a long time to create is stronger over time.
Psychologists rightly say that you need to change your attitude towards the situation. Because you suffer and torment yourself, you won’t get a boyfriend. I think, even if you like it, not everyone will want to get involved with an attitude like yours. Get on with your life, develop yourself, read, play sports, do good deeds, be kind. Good people are noticed, and you will be noticed too.
But you don’t have to insist on wanting a guy in life, she wants you to work on yourself. There will be a reward for your efforts.
You just have to believe. I believe that you will be fine. The message makes you feel like you're competent. good girl, you are not a party girl and do not lead an immoral lifestyle. Take care of yourself, educate yourself as a person, a girl and in the future a woman. Patience and strength to you :)

Alexey, age: 32 / 07/31/2014

Hello,
If you really want to get acquainted, then I would recommend paid Internet sites. For example, I live in England and here some paid sites offer speed dating in addition to regular dating. This is when you come and there are 15-20 men and women and they move from table to table. table and talk to each interlocutor for 5 minutes before the call. At the end they are given a card and they must evaluate everyone and if someone wants to meet someone on a normal date, the agency will let you know about it.
In general, Alexey said correctly here about friendly relations. You know, when people are no longer teenagers, “love at first sight” rarely happens. It happens that people meet at work, because they spend a lot of time together, communicate... Who do you think “ “elderly” is also not entirely clear. Are they really old or are they 35-40 years old? For example, I have always liked older people. They usually have more life experience and their careers are usually not bad. In general, I would advise not to sit idly by, but to search in all directions: travel, paid sites/agencies, sports. You need to do what you love and search at the same time. If you are in a sad mood, it is better not to appear in public. You need to choose days when the mood is not bad and be friendly. You will not lose anything if you actively search.
If you end up going on a date with someone, then don’t lose your head and don’t rush into intimacy. Make sure that he really has feelings for you. I read that a typical man needs a first date to understand whether he needs a second, and then they start to fall in love much later, and women there are already building hopes.

sk, age: 34 / 07/31/2014

Hello! We're very similar. I, too, waited like this, suffered, did not want to turn someone’s head just like that, without sincere interest. The first relationship was at 25. And you know, nothing good came of it. Well, you get the wrong people, you know! And you see this, and thank God! No need, then, for now. We are honest, strong, truthful (but not ideal, of course))) - we are waiting for the real thing. And not finding it, we begin to look at just about anything. To be with those people who don’t really need us, who don’t treat us as they should. Which drag us into the mud of fornication (God forbid you from this). I’m telling you this as an experienced person))) I’m not saying that they are so bad and we are so good. Everyone is both good and bad at something.))) You just don’t have what you need, which means it’s too early. Now I can understand it, but then I didn’t understand it. And she allowed too much. Now I really regret it. I didn’t save myself for the only one, the real one. What should we do now? I want to erase, to be honest, as if all this never happened. So take care of yourself. And there is such a nuance in life: not everyone is destined for family happiness. Happiness can be in something else, in a lot of ways. You just need to look for yourself. Don’t lose heart, don’t feel sorry for yourself, how poor and miserable we are here. We need to develop. We are healthy adult women - we have to work hard, and we still have to work hard!))) Not in the literal sense, of course. But you need to do something, not sit, reveling in your experiences. Here I so often want to tell people how much they are NEEDED HERE. Precisely because God created you. After all, it is the warmth of YOUR hands, YOUR heart that some kitten, child or old man so lacks. Right now. A little patience. Or maybe a lot)) As God willing. Do not be sad. Everything will be alright. Happiness!

Arnica, age: 26 / 31.07.2014

Maybe the requirements for the chosen one are too high?
describe the ideal guy in your vision, face, figure, character and habits.
Where did you find the gopniks? I haven’t seen them for two years, I thought they were extinct))

Alexey, age: 24 / 31.07.2014

Lulu, check out the website http://www.realove.ru/ And don’t follow the crowd. Most people have boyfriends, I understand. And you want it too. You see, many girls have a “track record”, they flaunt it. How serious is this? do you need a relationship from the series “I’ll play and put it in its place”? How many people are jealous, cheating, why these emotional wounds? For now, direct your energy and time to self-development, take language courses, driving courses, etc. - this will expand your circle of friends. Pray to God for the gift of a family, a reliable spouse. If you are baptized, confess and take communion. There are many answers to questions here, there is a forum where you can ask questions to the priests
http://azbyka.ru/
God's help!

Elena, age: 36 / 08/01/2014

A girl also has the right to take initiative in meeting young people. Do you know what your main mistake is? You have lost your Faith! Which means Hope and Love go with her! Register on an Orthodox dating site, visit a temple, get rid of arrogance and vanity (which you definitely have in abundance!), continue to lead a chaste life... and the Miracle will not be long in coming!

Z.y. you know, if you are overly demanding of candidates for the role of your spouse, and the guys you like don’t pay attention... then it’s better to go to convent rather than having sex with wealthy boys on the first date, since fornication leads to worsening depression!

Human, age: 26 / 08/01/2014

Every time I encounter a client’s problem: mistrust and fear of close relationships.

I already want to scream, but I can’t finish shouting: most of you have simply never had close relationships, never had relationships at all.

How can you be afraid of a relationship if you haven't had one?

Do you think I'm wrong? Do you object?

Before you start giving me your reasons, I will give mine.

Relationships can be interpersonal. Therefore, only individuals can participate in them. But there are no personalities or very few.

A personality has a set of certain qualities. For example:

• Freedom, freedom of choice as well. A person will never say: “it happened”... He will say: “I choose, I decided.” Will never do anything against his will, under the pressure of violence, manipulation or guilt.

• Responsibility for the beginning, course and result of the process. And if the result is not satisfactory, he will not blame others. What will happen? Will adjust his behavior to obtain the desired result. He won’t say that he can’t start doing something (lose weight, work, launch a project). What will happen? Will do! Will be responsible for your feelings, thoughts and actions. And he will not make others happy by feeling unhappy.

• Borders. To be a person, it is necessary to separate myself from that which is not my person. Know your boundaries clearly and be able to defend them.

• In a relationship you need to BE, that is, represent yourself and your interests.

What are you doing?

• You're lying. It’s so scary to tell the truth: what if they don’t understand, misunderstand, judge, criticize.

• You try to please, be good, be liked, often to the detriment of yourself and your interests.

• Playing roles that have nothing to do with who you really are as a person. Someone wears a “guy shirt” mask, someone “formidable husband”, someone “weak woman”, someone “ Strong woman" Whose performance, may I ask you, are you participating in?

• You hide your feelings, don’t talk about your needs, what you want. At the same time, for some reason, you are sure that your partner MUST GUESS your desires and needs. Why did it happen? Is he psychic? Telepath?

• And to be honest, you don’t see a person in your partner.

• It is a TOOL (way) for solving problems for you. Someone runs away from loneliness and marries “the first person they come across.” Someone lacks the attribute of success, and then the main thing is to be able to show off your beauty to your friends. No money - you need a rich man, no housing - you need an apartment.

Because, looking at a potential partner, you think: “What if he can’t handle solving my problems?” And, of course, he will NOT cope! After all, these are your problems, and only you can solve them. Just like his problems can only be solved by himself. And when he fails, you summarize: “fake”... “weak” or even “traitor!!!”

And then: “I can do everything myself, I have everything. Why do I need a husband? True - there is no need. A partner is necessary in order to reveal and develop one’s own through the disclosure and knowledge of the mystery of another personality... It is impossible to develop what does not exist.

And before labeling yourself as “scoundrel”, “scoundrel”, “bitch”, take care of yourself and the development of your personality. And then you will discover a huge world of people you can trust, with whom you can enter into relationships, and you will learn what real intimacy is.

I'm 30 years old and have never been in a serious relationship. I'm quite attractive, I have a good job and a lot of friends. Sometimes I have one-night stands, and from time to time it comes to a second date, but for some reason the relationship never develops further. I tell myself that I’m happy with everything anyway, I have a wonderful life, filled with interesting events and meetings with friends. Somewhere in the depths of my soul I dream of a relationship, but at the same time I am afraid of opening up to someone and being rejected. Perhaps I'm doing something wrong?

Yulia, 30 years old

“The main thing is to take the first step”

Inna Khamitova, family psychotherapist:

Our desire to create and maintain long-term relationships is hampered by various fears: the fear of being disappointed in a person who will not meet our ideas of an ideal life partner. Fear of dissolving into a partner and losing yourself. Fear of losing freedom by allowing someone to interfere in our well-established life... But you write about something else - that you are “afraid of being rejected.”

In general, psychologists are approached with such complaints quite often. Moreover, these are really real smart and beautiful women, interesting, sincere, emotionally sensitive, who ask: what’s wrong with me? Unfortunately (or fortunately?), our ability to build relationships with others depends very little on how beautiful we are externally and internally. It depends on how much we are able to open up, be close and demonstrate to another our interest in him.

Revisit the past

You may have had a traumatic experience where you had high expectations for a relationship that was (or was) about to begin, but you were rejected. Or the relationship did not work out, and you are now projecting this situation into further meetings. But most often, our fear of rejection appears much earlier, even in childhood, and depends on the type of attachment that developed then.

If we have formed a secure type of attachment, we willingly make contact, easily open up to other people and understand that even if we are rejected, we will cope with it. We are capable of being alone and finding beauty in solitude. At the same time, we feel the need to share our daily experiences, thoughts and feelings with another person.

But if the parents were too distant or unpredictable and the child did not feel their love and support, did not feel safe, then in the future he will associate any close relationships with pain, fear, loneliness, or with something unstable and anxious. Growing up, such a person strives for close relationships, but at the same time, he is unconsciously afraid of the pain (anxiety, disappointment, rejection, loneliness) with which they are associated for him. And then his behavior when choosing a life partner may be rejecting from the very beginning.

Fear of intimacy

Long-term relationships require a certain amount of courage because they involve openness and trust in the other, and this makes us vulnerable. When entering into a relationship, we always risk being abandoned, not accepted, and receiving condemnation and criticism instead of support and approval.

Maybe the initiator of breakups is not your partners, but you, because there is something that doesn’t suit you about them? Maybe you are looking at a person under a “magnifying glass” and exaggerating his shortcomings.

Fear of discovery makes many of us avoid any deep relationships.

But think about it: unwillingness to accept another as he is is also a kind of defense. Behind this, too, lies a fear of intimacy, a fear of letting someone in. Why is the fear of opening up and demonstrating your weaknesses to others so strong?

A person with an avoidant or anxious type of attachment usually, from childhood, develops a clear concept of why his parents abandon, criticize, and reject him. Most often the reason is one: “because I’m bad.” For a person who, deep down in his soul, is convinced of his own worthlessness, someone else’s criticism, any harsh word spoken to him, is confirmation that the other person really saw his weaknesses, his imperfections. He saw something that only he knew about himself. How can you open up to someone with such a sense of self?

A terrible fear of exposure makes him avoid any deep relationships.

Take the first step

I can assume that because of the fear of being rejected, you are already tense on the first date and try to emphasize your disinterest in the relationship, which can be perceived as detachment and coldness. Perhaps you demonstrate excessive independence, are pointedly ironic and arrogant. Or you talk with such enthusiasm about your work, travel, friends that your potential partner does not understand why you actually need him and whether there is a place for him in your life.

Be in contact

If you are absorbed in your anxiety, you do not see the one who is now in front of you. It is as if you are close to the person, but not in contact with him. And he reads it. Try to calm down and enjoy the date. You're not going for a job interview, you just want to have a good time.

Don’t ask yourself whether things will work out or not, what impression you will make... Imagine that you find yourself in an unfamiliar city, perhaps for the only time in your life - how will you behave? Most likely, you will try to discern something special in him, feel his individuality, and form an impression. You won't think about how you look on its streets.

Relax and just look at who is in front of you now

In a word, relax and just look at the one who is now in front of you. What is this person like? Try to tune in to his wavelength. Ask him about himself: how he lives, what he likes, what interests him. Show that you are really interested in him.

The next step could be some kind of joint activity that is important for both, a business, a project that will naturally bring you closer together, force you to open up and express yourself. A possible option is classes in a dance studio. But all this, of course, makes sense if your partner is attracted to you, if you feel attracted to him.

Learn to be friends

How can you advise a person who already has experience of unsuccessful meetings not to be afraid of pain and rejection? It is difficult to open the visor if you are constantly expecting a spear to fly in your direction. But this can only be cured through contact. You say that you have many friends. But from your letter it is not clear whether there are men among them and what kind of friendship this is. Try to consciously create friendships with a man. And gradually, without making sudden movements, without opening up right away, add a little more sincerity and warmth to this relationship. Most likely, by revealing your weaknesses to him, you will find that it is also not easy for him to come out of his cocoon, and he also needs support.

I want to emphasize: the establishment of genuine contact is facilitated by relationships built not on competition and rivalry, but on support and trust. And I will also add that the ability to trust is a very fragile thing, and often it is most successfully built only as a result of working with a psychologist. Sometimes quite long.

about the author

– systemic family psychotherapist, director of educational work Center for Systemic Family Therapy. Member of the Society of Family Consultants and Psychotherapists (OSKIP), International Association family therapists (IFTA), European Psychotherapeutic Association (EAP).

At the age of 19, I had a bad experience in intimate relationships. We dated for about 4 months, but I couldn’t decide to have sex: I felt like I didn’t love this person. But then I decided to do it, and the memories of it remained very unpleasant. I abruptly ended the relationship without explaining anything to him, and it was wrong. Since then, I have had no relationships with men. Maybe this is also due to my lifestyle: I live with my parents for six months, and spend another six months traveling abroad for work. Please help me figure it out.

Maria, 24 years old

There is a good saying in medicine:“After does not mean “as a result.” Perhaps there is no cause-and-effect relationship between these events, or it is not so strong. After all, parting without explanation does not always lead to such consequences. Maybe you are so self-sufficient, you are so cozy and comfortable in your parental family, you are so immersed in interesting work that you don’t feel much need for a relationship with a man? And there is room for him in yours rich life not so much?

Let me give you an example. One of my patients was in a similar position. At the same time, she was quite actively looking for a man through dating sites, went on dates and could not understand why the relationship was not working out? Until one of the “candidates” told her: “It’s hard for a man to imagine what he can offer you—so successful and self-sufficient. You have everything. And when a man sees what car you arrived in, he understands that it will be very difficult for him to meet this level.”

Or maybe you yourself have a cool attitude towards men? Keep them at a distance? Don't let me get close to you? Try to be a little warmer, learn to be friends. Perhaps you are so good-looking and impeccable that men are sure: “everything is fine with her relationships, such a girl simply cannot help but have a fan and her heart is occupied.” Then you just need to give signals more often that you are open to communication.

There could be many reasons for your situation. And it’s better not to analyze them endlessly, but to become a little more active, to take responsibility for your destiny. Try answering a few questions:

• Why do I need a man?
• What needs do I want to satisfy through a relationship with a man?
• Where can I meet such a man and how can I attract his attention and interest him?
• What can I do to arrange my personal life in the best way for me?

Act on these answers and your love life will definitely improve.