Eternal love? Why a man is “not ready yet” for a serious relationship. Why a man says he doesn’t want a relationship, and what to do about it The man said he’s not ready for a relationship

Give me your hand, my love! © Thinkstock

Walks, looks, smiles. It is a pleasure to sweep everything in the refrigerator, and with even greater pleasure it stays overnight. He can hammer a nail into a wall and even pick out a gift for your mom. But in response to the question “When will we get married?” turns on a sense of humor or demonstrates his extreme concern and slips away, slips out of his hands... Why is it so hard for some men to get married? And how can you understand that they, in principle, do not intend to do this?

Let's try to reveal the secrets of the male soul with the help of our expert Andrey Sergeev.

- Andrey, are there any signs that a guy is not thinking about getting married?

Do you mean on a specific girl or in general? I’m not going to talk about avid bachelors. And I’ll probably voice the signs of a guy’s “frivolous” relationship with a girl.

1. A man is unlikely to get married if he wants to move on to sex as soon as possible cannot be appeased by any arguments. Of course, in sexual relations there is a certain reason before the wedding. But if the guy... True Love is unreasonable and irrational, so such persistence is, at a minimum, suspicious.

2. A guy will think for a long time whether to marry him or not if you don’t “fit in” in his family. Very danger sign and, if the influence of parents (usually the mother) on him is very noticeable, everything can end almost before it begins.

3. He is unlikely to marry if your affair lasts more than three years. The cynical Begbeder claims that love romance fits into three years: “The year of love, the year of tenderness, the year of boredom.” If you approach the third year, “and Herman is still not there,” then perhaps he (i.e., the wedding) will no longer happen.

4. It is unlikely that those men who, despite your presence, are actively. There are at least two reasons for this. Either you are not very dear to him, or the guy is a Don Juan by nature. Think about whether you need this, because a wedding in this case is not a cure.

5. A man will think a hundred times about whether to marry you or not if you turn out to be a gray mouse.(or a black sheep, terms to choose from) among his friends. If you feel that his attitude towards you has changed not in better side After meeting his friends, draw your own conclusions! This is a very bad sign. I couldn't brag about you. Your value in his eyes has clearly decreased. Will he get married in this situation? Hardly.

6. He will never marry you if after the flower-SMS period he and starts beating you up for every little thing (from your point of view). There are hardly any prospects for your future together. Most likely, this is a reason to quickly get rid of you, saving face.

7. A man is unlikely to marry a girl if he is a big eater., and you’ve only heard about the art of cooking. He simply will not dare to undertake such an experiment on himself, his beloved. It's even worse when he constantly compares your cooking to your mother's.

8. Understand if he is thinking about getting married, you can simply: if any of your attempts to talk on the topic “How we build our nest” do not cause him any enthusiasm. He is silent, mutters, asks to postpone the conversation. But your indifference to football turns him on half a turn. What kind of marriage are we talking about?

9. Most men never marry girls they are not jealous of. Without hesitation, he lets you go to a bachelorette party alone? And he doesn’t even ask what the reason is? The conclusion is obvious: he doesn’t care about you. And they don’t marry people like that.

10. And lastly: if a man says that he is not ready to get married, it means that he really is not ready. Will the situation change? Maybe. But are you ready to wait for changes? How long?

P.S. All of the above should be treated with a healthy dose of humor.

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It’s a trick, of course, and now we’ll tell you exactly how.

In general, there will probably never come a “right” or “appropriate” time for a man when he is truly ready for a relationship. They are in no hurry to say goodbye to their freedom.

The only case when a man wants a relationship is when he thinks that he cannot lose this particular woman, and the very thought that she could be with someone else haunts him.

How is this possible? You can try to become such a woman for him. And, above all, you need to react correctly to what he says: “I’m not ready yet.”

1. Say, “I understand.”

If he says he doesn't want any serious relationship yet, simply tell him, "I understand." And that's it, nothing more. Don't argue, don't try to convince him.

Pause, wait, be silent, and then the man usually responds by making excuses and explaining his reasons.

He will feel relieved that you understand him, relax and open up to you (if, of course, he is a normal man and not just a womanizer).

2. Refrain from having sex with him.

Once he decides that you understand him and are not trying to change him, he will want to sleep with you. When this becomes obvious to you, tell him what you like about him and what you appreciate about him.

And then the magic words: “I promised myself not to have sex without a serious relationship. I understand your position, but you also understand mine.”

Here he should be captivated by your virtue, confidence and dignity, so that he will want to become your hero. These are the women that men marry.

3. And don't say anything more.

Now he may start to argue with you, but you just calmly answer: “I understand.” You sowed the seed and, believe me, he heard you.

You made it clear to him what you want from life in principle, and not specifically from him. And you gave him the opportunity, without unnecessary pressure, to think that the relationship with you was his idea. Because you know that if not him, then it will be with someone else, and he no longer wants that.

Of course, it takes patience to pull this off, but it usually works. Good luck!

Have you become a hostage to a situation where the relationship with a man has ceased to be friendly, but cannot become something more, since he does not dare to offer you to be together? Well, most likely, your man is not ready for a relationship of this kind, and you will have a very difficult time if you set out to get this person for yourself.

We find out the reason why a man is not ready for a relationship

Think about the fact that a man may have his own reasons why he cannot offer you anything more than just friendship. Perhaps he has sympathy for you and even serious feelings, but is there something stopping him?

Stop wandering around in the fog like a lost hedgehog and being at a loss. Try to find out what is the reason for his strange behavior. You can call him for a frank conversation, but in this case you risk completely frightening him off and losing him even as a friend. You can find out everything secretly through people you know. In any case, you should be prepared to hear facts that are not entirely pleasant for you.

• Do you know this person well? It is quite possible that he already has the woman with whom he is bound by marriage. It is possible that there are children. That is why he is in no hurry to invite you to be together, because he is simply not ready for a relationship between lovers and betrayal.
• Are you sure of his orientation? It sounds wild, of course, but it wouldn’t hurt to find out if he visits the “blue lights.”
• An unhealed wound from the past love relationship which ended in collapse. As a rule, a man who has recently experienced a breakup with his beloved woman is not ready for a new relationship that requires seriousness and responsibility.
• If he is young, do not exclude the possibility that he simply has not had anyone before you, and he does not know how to approach you.
• And a man is not ready for a relationship when he is not sure about yours own feelings to him and is afraid of refusal. For male selfishness, this is a blow below the belt.

These are the most common reasons why a man can delay a flirting relationship indefinitely and not bring the matter to its logical conclusion - to an explanation. Also take into account complexes, some external circumstances (if, for example, you are his boss) and other factors that you should definitely find out about.

We bring a man “to readiness”

So, you know the reason. If she doesn’t interfere with your being together (he is of exactly the same orientation, and you agree to the rights of a mistress if he is married), then go for it.

• Open conversation

If you are a direct, open girl, challenge him to a frank conversation (but at the same time be a feminine lady, not a presumptuous tank). Tell him that you have tenderness and sympathy for him, but you don’t understand his attitude towards you. Perhaps he is just waiting for this, to throw himself at your feet and confess his love.

• Hints

Show him that you are interested in continuing your relationship with him. Flirtat with him, give him compliments, make it clear to him in every possible way that you want to be with him and have far from friendly feelings towards him. Perhaps your man just lacks confidence. An excellent and effective maneuver is to contact him with a request for friendly advice (you are friends with him, after all). Tell him that you love one person, you want to be with him, but you don’t understand how he treats you and why he hesitates to confess. As a rule, men cannot stand such a “knight’s move” and sort things out until the end.

• The Velvet season

If all else fails, there is a cardinal, but very effective method, which will allow you to rip off your boyfriend's mask. However, keep in mind that this method is for strong ladies who are confident in themselves. Get out of your friend's sight: stop calling him and writing online, avoid meetings if possible, and if they are unavoidable, keep your distance. In psychology, such exhaustion is called velvet season. If a man does not make any attempts at explanation, it is unlikely that he feels anything for you. If he has feelings for you, he will definitely talk to you about your behavior, and a showdown will lead to everything else.

We draw appropriate conclusions

While you are bringing your dear friend “to the point of readiness” in love, be extremely careful. Observe his behavior, words, gestures, intonation of voice. Analyze all this and draw appropriate conclusions:

• if you see that he is worried no less than you, but still does not take steps towards rapprochement, despite all your tricks, believe me: he has good reasons not to do this;
• if he is amused by these cat and mouse games, most likely he is simply not ready for a serious relationship and the depth of his feelings for you is unlikely to be measured in kilometers;
• if he is the living embodiment of tenderness, devotion, love, then he only needs your help, support and approval.

Remember that mountains bend before patience and perseverance, and if you really want to achieve this person, he will be yours. Try to follow our advice and draw the right conclusions in order to find true happiness in the face of a person worthy of you.

You and your boyfriend can be the best couple, have the deepest feelings for each other, but this will not make him propose to you. American psychologist Alan Gretsch reveals the secrets that will make him do this.

Every girl knows how hard it is to waste time on a guy who refuses to commit to a serious relationship... Especially if after a breakup he moves on to the next girl and then suddenly marries her. Women believe that a man will raise this issue when he finds the one and only one. But this is not enough...

“What is also needed is a so-called state of readiness,” says Gretsch. - In my 25 years of experience working with men as a relationship therapist, I have realized that only half of them marry the women they love. The rest dare to take this serious step only when they mature.” This means that compatibility is extremely important. But if he doesn’t yet have a mindset for marriage, he won’t enter into a serious relationship with anyone, even with Angelina Jolie.

Of course, even if a guy is ready to walk down the aisle, he still needs to find the one. But it is more likely that he will meet her when he is in the mood for marriage. Below, Alan Gretsch reveals five factors that motivate a man to take the plunge.
It doesn't matter how crazy in love your guy is during the initial sweet-and-flowery period of the relationship. Love means the desire to be with a person as he really is.

Sign of his readiness for marriage #1
He is capable of truly loving

Although sometimes it is difficult to distinguish between infatuation and true love, there is one clue - this is the test of time. Falling in love occurs at an early stage of a relationship, when the couple does not know each other well. Once they become closer and learn more about each other's positive and negative traits, and the initial passion for love wears off, the man who is just in love will lose interest. If he truly loves, he will stay.

Another important signal of true love is self-sacrifice and the ability to care. Does your man make sacrifices for you? Is he able to put your desires and needs first in relation to his own?
Intellectually, we all understand that there are no ideal people and therefore no ideal relationships. But it often takes maturity and relationship experience to actually believe it.

Sign of his readiness for marriage #2
He is able to accept your shortcomings

Take my client who broke up with a wonderful woman simply because he thought he could find someone better. A year later, he met another woman who was also beautiful, but far from ideal. After two years of dating, he finally decided to propose. If he had met her a couple of years earlier, he would have broken up with her without a second thought. But now he understands that there is no ideal.

Even if a man tells you that he is ready for a long-term relationship, you should not believe it unconditionally without encountering problems. If he is not ready yet, he will not be able to cope with the negative aspects of the relationship, and will either withdraw into himself and isolate himself from you, or leave. A man who is truly ready for marriage will try to solve any problem you have.

Sign of his readiness for marriage #3
He sincerely believes in serious relationships

This does not mean that he will never experience doubts or even think about leaving. But in the end, he will understand that the relationship is the main priority, and whatever discomfort he has to experience to sort out the problems, it will be worth it.

Even though stereotypical gender roles have weakened and many men are no longer expected to be the breadwinner, plenty of guys still worry about being the breadwinner. And many women still count on it. Therefore, if a guy feels that he cannot live up to his expectations, he may distance himself from a serious relationship in order to avoid the feeling that he is not capable of something. This is his way of protecting his ego.

Sign of his readiness for marriage #4
He's sure he can be a man

But it's not just about money or the lack thereof. If a guy spends all his time and energy achieving a goal (be it promotion career ladder or ending medical institute), he simply will not have anything left to give to his partner - both physically and emotionally. Therefore, he pushes romance into the background.
That doesn't mean he won't ever want to bring it up. If your man is struggling to establish his career or trying to make ends meet, it may be in your best interest to wait for the right opportunity when he is ready. If he makes it clear that he wants to get married after he completes what he's working on, your patience may eventually be rewarded.

Although there is no specific age at which men are ready to get married, after some time, the transition from one superficial relationship to another begins to lose its appeal and they want a deeper connection with someone.

Sign of his readiness for marriage #5
He's tired of love affairs

This more intimate mood may accelerate if all of the guy's friends start to settle down. On the one hand, it becomes more difficult for him to find friends for parties. But more importantly, when everyone around him begins to take their relationships more seriously, he is more likely to think about what he wants in life. Although single life is exciting, it is often emotionally unsatisfying. And eventually, at some stage, most men want to have that soulmate connection.

Yaroslav SamoilovPsychologist, relationship expert, creator of the online educational project "Growth Phase"

I’m sure that the prospect of wasting years of your life on a man who wants to play around with relationships is not very encouraging. Therefore, it’s time to take responsibility for life into your own hands and learn to value yourself. If over and over again you only come across men who shy away from serious relationships, most likely it’s not the men. Or is it still in them? “I really like you, but I don’t want anything serious right now.”

Let's figure out why men take such a position and are not ready to connect their lives with you forever.

Hello past

It often happens that he is afraid of a serious relationship for one very simple reason: a bad experience. Such a man will avoid responsibility and, not to mention, a stamp in his passport. For loving woman, unsuccessful relationships in the past can discourage a man from making serious plans for the future. And here, most likely, it’s not about you, but about the experience that the man received.

Is it worth waiting, hoping and believing? In some cases, to solve such a problem you just need to give him time to get to know you better, closer and put his own fears in the foreground. But in most situations, things happen differently: a woman takes on the role of a savior, a mother, or, as an option, a vest and a buffer. His unsuccessful relationship ended, he had not yet met true love... but then you turned up, all ready to save him from disappointment. If you still haven’t clearly decided what kind of man you want and are looking for, life will only give you guys who don’t know who they need.

Yes, everyone has their own fears and complexes. But a real man understands that his negative past and you are, as they say in Odessa, two big differences. And if he really likes you, he will not be stupid, but will use the opportunity.

Young-green

Perhaps he is simply younger than you and really is not yet ripe for. It’s quite rare to find a man 17-19 years old who is ready to take responsibility for you and your family. Although this also happens. It is important to understand that the phrase “not ready yet” can be heard both from a 16-year-old boy and from a 42-year-old “boy”. And in two cases they really will not be ready - for example, psychologically or financially.

One of the unique characteristics that women have is the ability to imagine. If you don’t want to waste years of your life, you need to learn to control this “superpower.” If a man says “not ready yet,” this means that he is NOT READY to build a relationship in this moment time with you. Dot. You can suffer and cry as much as you like, but you have to accept the fact.

Taste of freedom

Do you know how most men feel when they get married? That they put shackles on them. I'm joking, of course, but there is some truth in every joke. Men discuss all these jokes about a mother-in-law, a wife who will stop taking care of herself, lost freedom, fishing among themselves once a year, and some come to a conclusion like “what the hell.”

If the latter, then most likely your man will never be ripe for a serious relationship. Well, or you'll have to wait for years. Are you ready to accept the value system of an ardent opponent of serious relationships and marriage?

It’s definitely not worth convincing, demonstrating positive examples and dragging such a man to the registry office. You can only gently convey that his precious freedom will not be violated by your presence either before or after marriage. In any case, whether you need such a man is up to you to decide.

The reason is you

I understand that I don’t want to admit it, but it happens. If you are fixated on a man and, moreover, demand that he immediately visit the registry office, there’s even loving person will be wary. Perhaps you are already over 30 and are afraid of being alone? Or did you have one and this time you decided to do everything quickly? Or maybe he is the only one who has paid attention to you over the past year.

You must understand that it is important for a man to see you as self-sufficient (do not confuse with strong woman), cheerful, satisfied with herself and life. Let him see how other men look at you and understand that you definitely won’t be left alone. Believe me, when you let go of your grip and get busy with your life, he will feel that besides him, you can be needed and desired for others. At this moment, most men realize how dear you are to him.

Most best advice which I can give you: take care of your development and your life. Obsession with one man is a scourge modern women. He is not last man on the ground. And it’s not about your 36 years, but about self-doubt, fears or complexes. If you smell of the desire “well, at least someone will take me,” the man clearly has nothing to do with it. The worst is mutual misunderstanding. And it was not me who said this, but Oscar Wilde. It is understanding the psychology of men and developing oneself as a woman that are key skills in order to build happy and long-term relationships.

After all, the more you work on yourself, the more you understand yourself, and therefore other people. Then it’s easier for you to convey to your man what you want and it’s much easier to weed out unworthy candidates already at the first stage.

Openness and the ability to talk frankly with a man are qualities that only a truly pumped-up woman can boast of.