Quotes and sayings of m Zhvanetsky. Winged expressions of Zhvanetsky

Before the operation it is necessary to answer a number of questions. One of them: who to call in case of complications. I answered: a more competent doctor.

There is no difference between the sick and the healthy. The sick spend their energy on moving away from death, the healthy - on approaching it.

When you are faced with a choice: to speak or remain silent, choose the latter. Silence will allow you to build only guesses at your expense, words - to draw conclusions. - Mikhail Zhvanetsky

A versatile personality is a dubious compliment. Maybe they mean that you are a boor, a dumbass, a bastard and an egoist at the same time.

I've always felt sorry for octopuses. The poor fellows really grow hands from the priests. And on the ass - ears.

They say that only fools laugh for no reason. And for some reason they forget about pretty girls ...

Zhvanetsky: Even if a person cannot be bought, one can try to sell him.

The main thing is that someone who can turn the world over should not be followed by others who can turn him over.

With such a wind, not only to light a cigarette, I can’t get a pack ...

To succeed in business, you need to learn not from your own mistakes, but from others.

Read the continuation of the famous aphorisms and quotes of Zhvanetsky on the pages:

To start from scratch, you still need to crawl up to it for a long time

Kalashnikov answering machine.

Greediness is not rudeness, it is what is formed from the combination of rudeness and ignorance with cowardice and impudence

The pedestrian is always right. While alive

The writer has not disappeared because of television, but the reader has disappeared

No need to run from a sniper, you will only die tired.

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and leave no doubt about it.

Fortune smiles on the brave... And then laughs at them for a long time!!!

Don't tell me what to do and I won't tell you where to go.

There is always room for achievement in life. You just need to stay away from this place.

Each person is right in his own way. But in my opinion, no.

Nothing hurts a person more than pieces of their own happiness.

A pessimist is walking down the street, followed by two optimists in civilian clothes...

Very short lives in this country people, houses, graves

Microbes slowly crawled over Lefty's body, dragging horseshoes behind them with difficulty...

Sorry, I'm saying when you interrupt.

I have infinite respect for the monstrous choice of my people.

The best alibi is to be a victim.

What fertilized, then grew

The one who finds the exit is trampled first

The most difficult thing for a person is given that which is not given to him.

A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.

Scientists Harvard University found that white mice reproduce much better if they are not interfered with by scientists at Harvard University.

The idea came to his mind and now the brain is stubbornly looking for

While you measure seven times, others will already cut off.

An idealist is one who, noticing that a rose smells better than cabbage, concludes that the soup made from it will be better ...

Whenever I remember that the Lord is just, I tremble for my country

I remember that my legs hurt so much in 1943! .. but I bought the 45th and it was fine ...

The last words of the two lion tamers: “How? I thought YOU fed them!?!”

Friends are known in trouble, if, of course, they can be found at the same time.

The crew says goodbye to you and wishes you a pleasant flight….

If relatives or friends do not call you for a long time, then they are doing well.

Better a meal without appetite than an appetite without dinner.

Everything is going well, except...

How quickly time flies: I didn’t have time to wake up, but I was already late for work.

How difficult it is to crawl with your head held high!

People are divided into those who can be relied on and those who need to be relied on.

Everything in this world is relative. For example, the length of a minute depends on which side of the toilet door you are on.

Positive emotions are the emotions that arise when you put everything on...

They met me by my clothes, they saw me off too badly ...

He ran across the street at a red light and was hit by an oncoming pedestrian.

The lottery is the most accurate way to account for the number of optimists.

Better to sweat seven times than frost once!

Wisdom doesn't always come with age. It happens that age comes alone

It is better to make love with difficulty than to make love with work.

If you're arguing with an idiot, then he probably does the same.

To start from scratch, you still need to crawl up to it for a long time.

It's hard to get into history, but it's easy to get stuck

Everything is going well, except...

It is not enough to know your own worth - you must also be in demand.

Frivolity is good health at your own peril and risk.

Don't drive faster than your guardian angel flies

You don’t sleep all day, you don’t eat all night - of course, you get tired ...

There is a genius in all of us. And every day everything is stronger ...

Never exaggerate the stupidity of enemies and the loyalty of friends...

It's a shame when your dreams come true for others!

A thought is only a thought when it is thought with its head.

What a wonderful child you have! Is it a cute boy or an ugly girl?

The more I look in the mirror, the more I believe in Darwin.

If a person knows what he wants, then he either knows a lot or wants little.

Learning is light, and ignorance is a pleasant twilight.

If you combine a dark past with a bright future, you get a gray present.

Better belly from beer than hump from work.

Ever since I started driving, I have become more careful when crossing the road.

Good always conquers evil, so whoever wins is the good one.

Better a long live burst than a short automatic one.

Let them laugh at you rather than cry.

You can't forbid living beautifully. But you can interfere...

It is not enough to find your place in life, you have to find it first.

The one who finds the exit is trampled first.

Sorry, I'm saying when you interrupt

We promise them, we promise, we promise, we promise, but it's not enough for them!

Only on your birthday you will find out how many unnecessary things are in the world

In the beginning was the Word.... However, judging by how events developed further, the Word was unprintable.

How fast time flies: I didn’t have time to wake up, but I was already late for work

Better lunch without appetite than appetite without lunch

If a person knows what he wants, then he either knows a lot or wants little.

He does not have a face, but an object for intramuscular injections

One head is good, but with a body it is better.

He does not have a face, but an object for intramuscular injections.

The main thing is not to cross the street into the other world

The main thing is not to cross the street into the other world.

In the beginning was the Word.... However, judging by how events developed further, the Word was unprintable

What roof doesn't like fast driving?

Citizens! Fly with Aeroflot! Hurry! There are very few of them left.

All men are brothers, but not all according to reason.

The optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist is afraid that this is the way it is

People are divided into those who can be relied on and those who need to be relied on.

It's hard to get into history, but it's easy to fall into it.

A well-mannered man will not make remarks to a woman who does not carry a sleeper well.

If you get your ass licked, don't relax - it's lube!

I came - thank you, I left - thank you very much ...

Any car will last for the rest of your life, if you drive dashingly enough.

Of the two evils, I choose the one that I have not tried before ...

Nothing hurts a person like pieces of their own happiness.

Thinking is so difficult - that's why most people judge.

To help you or not to interfere?

My child looks like a mother ... Screams loudly, piercingly! But my eyes are guilty, running around ...

I drive too fast to worry about my cholesterol!

So that I see you on crutches, and you see me with one eye!

To save a drowning man, it is not enough to extend a hand - it is necessary that he give his in response.

How do you have to hate this country to leave the apartment after such a repair

What a pity that you are finally leaving...

While you measure seven times, others will already cut

Better a small dollar than a big thank you.

You want everything at once, but you get nothing and gradually.

The highest degree of embarrassment - two glances that met at the keyhole

Wisdom doesn't always come with age. It happens that age comes alone.

Everything in this world is relative. For example, the length of a minute depends on which side of the toilet door you are on.

Only on your birthday do you find out how many unnecessary things there are in the world.

A bald spot is a clearing trampled down by thoughts.

There is always room for achievement in life. You just need to stay away from this place.

Learning is light, and ignorance is a pleasant twilight

The optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears that this is the case.

Don't drive faster than your guardian angel flies.

Better a long live burst than a short submachine gun.

Better belly from beer than hump from work.

It is better to remain silent and seem like a fool than to speak up and leave no doubt about it.

It is better to make love with difficulty than to make love with work.

Better to sweat seven times than frost once!

Better a small dollar than a big thank you.

One head is good, but with a body is better.

I would like to die like a grandfather - in a dream ... And not like his passengers - screaming in horror.

The pedestrian is always right. While alive.

He ran across the street at a red light and was hit by an oncoming pedestrian.

Any car will last for the rest of your life, if you drive dashingly enough.

I drive too fast to worry about my cholesterol!

Ever since I started driving, I have become more careful when crossing the road.

The main thing is not to cross the street into the other world.

About intelligence

All men are brothers, but not all according to reason.

Wisdom doesn't always come with age. It happens that age comes alone.

A bald spot is a clearing trampled down by thoughts.

A thought is only a thought when it is thought with its head.

You want everything at once, but you get nothing and gradually.

Everything is going well, except...

It's a shame when your dreams come true for others!

It is not enough to know one's own worth - one must also be in demand.

How difficult it is to crawl with your head held high!

The idea came into his head and is now stubbornly looking for the brain.

About animals

Scientists at Harvard University have found that white mice reproduce much better if they are not interfered with by scientists at Harvard University.

The most unfortunate animal is the octopus. He has legs from the ears, and hands from the ass, and the ass itself - with ears.

The last words of the two lion tamers: “How? I thought YOU fed them!?!”

It's hard to be the last bitch - always someone is attached from behind!

Crime and Punishment

No matter how much you steal from the state, you will never get yours back.

The best alibi is to be the victim.

You can't forbid living beautifully. But you can interfere...

While you measure seven times, others will already cut off.

It is not enough to find your place in life, you have to find it first.

About the time

How quickly time flies: I didn’t have time to wake up, but I was already late for work.

All the greats have long since died, and something is unwell to me.

You don’t sleep all day, you don’t eat all night - of course, you get tired ...

Everything in this world is relative. For example, the length of a minute depends on which side of the toilet door you are on.

Did you know that a thrifty hostess cuts meat for the festive table into very thin slices? And the cunning guest eats five of them at once.

If you combine a dark past with a bright future, you get a gray present.

If a person knows what he wants, then he either knows a lot or wants little.

If a person cannot be bought, then he can be sold.

If someone appears ready to move mountains, others will surely follow him, ready to wring his neck.

If you're arguing with an idiot, then he's probably doing the same.

If relatives or friends do not call you for a long time, then they are doing well.

philosophical

Of the two evils, I choose the one that I have not tried before ...

There was such a strong wind that the cigarettes were turned out along with the teeth ...

Microbes slowly crawled over Lefty's body, dragging horseshoes behind them with difficulty...

The one who finds the exit is trampled first

In the beginning was the Word... However, judging by how events developed further, the Word was unprintable.

Born to crawl - crawl everywhere.

What fertilized, then grew.

Well, not just where we are not, but where we have never been!

The character of a person can be judged by how he behaves with those who cannot be of any help to him, as well as with those who cannot give him back.

Whenever I remember that the Lord is just, I tremble for my country.

I have the utmost respect for the monstrous choice of my people.

There are three reasons for non-attendance: forgot, washed down or scored.

And the wolves are full, and the sheep are safe, and the shepherd has eternal memory.

The highest degree of embarrassment - two views that met in the keyhole.

In some, both hemispheres are protected by a skull, in others - by pants.

Never exaggerate the stupidity of enemies and the loyalty of friends...

Nothing hurts a person like fragments of his own happiness.

Only on your birthday do you find out how many unnecessary things there are in the world.

Good always triumphs over evil, so whoever wins is good.

No need to run from a sniper, you'll only die tired

Citizens! Fly with Aeroflot! Hurry! There are very few of them left.

To help you or not to interfere?

A well-mannered man will not make remarks to a woman who does not carry a sleeper well.

Don't tell me what to do and I won't tell you where to go.

Aphorisms of Mikhail Zhvanetsky - part 1

Better a long live burst than a short submachine gun.

Better belly from beer than hump from work.

Let them laugh at you rather than cry.

It is better to remain silent and seem like a fool than to speak up and leave no doubt about it.

It is better to make love with difficulty than to make love with work.

Better to sweat seven times than frost once!

Better a meal without appetite than an appetite without dinner.

Better a small dollar than a big thank you.

One head is good, but with a body is better.

Aphorisms of Mikhail Zhvanetsky - part 2

The pedestrian is always right. While alive.

He ran across the street at a red light and was hit by an oncoming pedestrian.

Any car will last for the rest of your life, if you drive dashingly enough.

I drive too fast to worry about my cholesterol!

Ever since I started driving, I have become more careful when crossing the road.

The main thing is not to cross the street into the other world.

Don't drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

There is a genius in all of us. And every day it gets stronger...

Learning is light, and ignorance is a pleasant twilight

Thinking is so difficult - that's why most people judge.

Aphorisms of Mikhail Zhvanetsky - part 3

All men are brothers, but not all according to reason.

Wisdom doesn't always come with age. It happens that age comes alone.

A bald spot is a clearing trampled down by thoughts.

A thought is only a thought when it is thought with its head.

The most difficult thing for a person is given that which is not given to him.

You want everything at once, but you get nothing and gradually.

Everything is going well, except...

It's a shame when your dreams come true for others!

It is not enough to know your own worth - you must also be in demand.

It's hard to get into history, but it's easy to fall into it.

Well, you broke through the wall with your head ... And what will you do in the next cell?

How difficult it is to crawl with your head held high!

To start from scratch, you still need to crawl up to it for a long time.

A pessimist is walking down the street, followed by two optimists in civilian clothes...

The optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist is afraid that

the way it is.

The lottery is the most accurate way to account for the number of optimists.

If you combine a dark past with a bright future, you get a gray present.

If a person knows what he wants, then he either knows a lot or wants little.

If a person cannot be bought, then he can be sold.

If someone appears ready to move mountains, others will surely follow him, ready to wring his neck.

If you're arguing with an idiot, then he probably does the same.

If relatives or friends do not call you for a long time, then they are doing well.

If you get your ass licked, don't relax - it's lube!

The best alibi is to be the victim.

You can't forbid living beautifully. But you can interfere...

While you measure seven times, others will already cut off.

It is not enough to find your place in life, you have to find it first.

There is always room for achievement in life. You just need to stay away from this place.

The more I look in the mirror, the more I believe in Darwin.

They learn from their mistakes, they make a career from others.

To save a drowning man, it is not enough to extend a hand - it is necessary that he give his in response.

Positive emotions are the emotions that arise when you put everything on...

I remember that in 1943 my legs hurt so much! .. but I bought the 45th and it was fine.

The crew says goodbye to you and wishes you a pleasant flight....

I would like to die like a grandfather - in a dream ... And not like his passengers - screaming in horror.

Don't tell me what to do and I won't tell you where to go.

An idealist is one who, noticing that a rose smells better than cabbage, concludes that the soup made from it will be better ...

So that I see you on crutches, and you see me with one eye!

Kalashnikov answering machine.

Of the two evils, I choose the one that I have not tried before ...

The wind was blowing so strong that cigarettes were thrown out along with the teeth ...

Microbes slowly crawled over Lefty's body, dragging horseshoes behind them with difficulty...

The one who finds the exit is trampled first

What roof doesn't like fast driving?

Each person is right in his own way. But in my opinion, no.

In the beginning was the Word.... However, judging by how events developed further, the Word was unprintable.

How quickly time flies: I didn’t have time to wake up, but I was already late for work.

All the greats have long since died, and something is unwell for me too..

Born to crawl - crawl everywhere.

He got into bed and fell asleep with all his might.

And then he took a knife and shot himself.

What fertilized, then grew.

Well, not just where we are not, but where we have never been!

The character of a person can be judged by how he behaves with those who cannot be of any help to him, as well as with those who cannot give him back.

Whenever I remember that the Lord is just, I tremble for my country.

I have the utmost respect for the monstrous choice of my people.

There are three reasons for non-attendance: forgot, washed down or scored.

And the wolves are full, and the sheep are safe, and the shepherd has eternal memory.

The highest degree of embarrassment - two views that met in the keyhole.

In some, both hemispheres are protected by the skull, in others by pants.

Vasilisa the Beautiful hit the ground and broke to hell.

What a pity that you are finally leaving...

I came - thank you, I left - thank you very much ...

Never exaggerate the stupidity of enemies and the loyalty of friends...

Nothing hurts a person like fragments of his own happiness.

Only on your birthday do you find out how many unnecessary things there are in the world.

People are divided into those who can be relied on and those who need to be relied on.

Good always triumphs over evil, so whoever wins is good.

Fortune smiles on the brave... And then laughs at them for a long time!!!

No need to run from a sniper, you'll only die tired

Citizens! Fly with Aeroflot! Hurry! There are very few of them left.

To help you or not to interfere?

Sorry, I'm saying when you interrupt.

Laughing for no reason is a sign that you are either an idiot or a pretty girl.

A well-mannered man will not make remarks to a woman who does not carry a sleeper well.

In the questionnaire that I filled out before the operation, there was a question: who to call in case of emergency .... I wrote: to a more qualified surgeon ...

He does not have a face, but an object for intramuscular injections

You don’t sleep all day, you don’t eat all night - of course, you get tired ...

Friends are known in trouble, unless of course they can be found at the same time.

A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.

Frivolity is good health at your own peril and risk

They met me by my clothes, they saw me off too badly ...

Everything in this world is relative. For example, the length of a minute depends on which side of the toilet door you are on.

Scientists at Harvard University have found that white mice reproduce much better if they are not interfered with by scientists at Harvard University.

My child looks like a mother ... He yells loudly, piercingly! But my eyes are guilty, running around ...

The most unfortunate animal is the octopus. He has legs from the ears, and hands from the ass, and the ass itself - with ears.

What a wonderful child you have! Is it a cute boy or an ugly girl?

The last words of the two lion tamers: "How? I thought YOU fed them!?!"

For megalomania, grandeur is not required, but megalomania is enough.

It's hard to be the last bitch - there's always someone behind you!

Some look brave because they are afraid to run away.

Life is like a piano: the key is white, the key is black... the cover.

The idea came into his head and is now stubbornly looking for the brain.

A decent person can be easily recognized by how clumsily he does meanness.

Each person is the blacksmith of his own happiness and the anvil of someone else's.

A lot of good people in the world ... But there are more of them in the next world ...

The "Eva" costume suits her very well, only it needs to be sewn in here and there.

No matter how much you steal from the state, you still won’t get yours back!

Did you know that a thrifty hostess cuts meat for the festive table into very thin slices? And the cunning guest eats five of them at once.

How much does a person need to be completely happy? - Few! But only for others to have even less...

Liked?

An inhabitant of Odessa and a man of the world, Mikhail Mikhailovich Zhvanetsky, is a recognized classic of the conversational genre, overshadowing the current popular stars of stand-up comedy. The secret of his popularity is simple: he describes our life - sharply, accurately, brilliantly. His quotes diverge among the people. Therefore, wherever Russian is understood, he gathers full houses. Mikhal Mikhalych has many well-known miniature monologues - “How they joke in Odessa”, “Meeting at a distillery”, “It's okay, Grigory”, etc. In order not to take up your time, we will remind you - selectively - best quotes from his works of different years.

The classic managed to be born on March 6 - therefore, we begin with a selection of thoughts about a woman ...

“Scandal does not spoil a woman, it refreshes her!”

“Women can be lovely, what fools, and terrible, what fools!”

“And the fact that they kiss you doesn’t mean anything, and the fact that they marry you doesn’t mean anything. All your life you will think that she loves you, and she will tell you this, and you will not know the truth, and you will live happily ...

- Of the human, I really like memory. From the animal - hearing. Of the parts of the body - the head. Then the eyes. Then legs. For women, it's the other way around.

About men

— The perfect man- the one they love.

Nothing makes a man younger than stupidity.

Smart, you mean?

- In some, both hemispheres are protected by a skull, in others - by pants.

- A bald spot is a clearing trampled down by thoughts.

- All people are brothers, but not all in the mind.

About the state

- We had socialism with an inhuman face - and capitalism turned out with some kind of wild backside.

- We never saw the right course, only the right one.

“Our freedom is like a traffic light with three lights on at once.

- Politicians are people who have risen from the bottom, but have not reached the surface.

— A nation is a bunch of different flowers tied together by border guards.

About career

- If there is a successful work, then you can sometimes take a break. And if the work is very successful, then you never rest.

- You don’t sleep all day, you don’t eat all night - of course, you get tired!

About love

- It was such love - she hung on him like an apron, he endured it only during meals.

“The worst of us are children of sex, the best are children of love.

- They merried. He is German. She's Russian. They communicate in English. Both of them speak it badly. Therefore, they never fight. Everyone thinks for a long time before speaking.

About age

— What is 80? is the right to kiss a woman without her consent and without her hope.

In old age, when more time is needed, they offer you more money.

Experience is the past, wisdom is the future.

You have to be able to distinguish between mood and feeling.

Wisdom doesn't always come with age. It happens that age comes alone.

About talent

To be heard, you need a protest. It takes talent to be remembered.

- I love in the mediocre their courage, their courage, their clear political orientation, their clear views and great enthusiasm. I just hate their performance.

- At an ordinary artist, you look at a beauty. At the great artist - she looks at you.

- It is not enough to know your own worth - you must also be in demand.

- Now the time has come when the accompaniment performs with solo concerts. And the songs in meaning are close to rock art.

About life

- To the question: "How do you live?" - howled obscenely, got drunk, filled the face of the questioner, banged his head against the wall for a long time, in general, he evaded the answer.

- What do not do with a man, he stubbornly crawls to the cemetery.

- Real loneliness - when you talk to yourself all night and you are not understood.

- A decent person can be easily recognized by how clumsily he does meanness.

- What is our life: if you don’t get used to it, you will die; if you don’t die, you will get used to it.

- For megalomania, grandeur is not required - mania is enough.

— I have adapted and watch the news from three days ago. And I think: “God, how bad it was three days ago!”

- The most difficult thing for a person is that which is not given to him.

“Better to laugh at you than cry.

What a pity that you are finally leaving...

“Nothing hurts a person more than pieces of their own happiness.

“There is no shame in digging through the trash. It's embarrassing to be happy about it.

“I used to worry about the thought that I might be forgotten. But today I'm already worried about the thought that I might be remembered.

“If someone appears ready to move mountains, others will surely follow him, ready to wring his neck.

“Only on your birthday do you find out how many unnecessary things there are in the world!”

- You want everything at once - but you get nothing and gradually

- Money will disappear - people will appear ...