With a family friend and husband. Family friend

I remember my surprise when my beloved teacher, to whom the girls and I confided our heartfelt secrets - who liked whom - told us about how she got married. She and her husband studied together and were friends for a long time, well, in a simple way, and then somehow suddenly got married. It was a very happy and calm family.

It seemed to me, a maximalist teenager then, what nonsense to equate friendship too! It's such an overwhelming love, passion, longing, torment, but also sweetness. And friendship is boredom, something smooth and calm. Something opposite to love, too stable and... too responsible. With love it’s somehow simpler - you’ve stopped loving, well, what can you do, you can’t order your heart. But friendship requires much more sacrifice and effort.

Now I know that without friendship there is no love.

My husband and I have known each other for almost 20 years, and we have been friends for 20 years. Actually, our family was born and grew out of a long friendship. Friendship with all that it implies - with common interests, long conversations on various topics, disputes, trusting each other with heartfelt secrets. And at the moment when there were frustrations (or downright tragedies, how long does it take to be 17-18 years old for a tragedy) on the romantic front, a true friend was nearby. So by the time some romance, more than friendly, appeared in our relationship, he knew everything about me. And I'm talking about him.

Oh, how many nerves we saved in our family life thereby! And, no matter how many friends I have, girlfriends, even the oldest and most beloved ones, the best and, truly, I think, the only one, only he is my husband. Whom you trust completely and in everything, even in things that are not intended for your husband’s ears.

They say that friendship between a man and a woman is impossible. This is not true, but it is possible. Only it can end in marriage. And friendship is the strongest foundation for a family. Because passion sometimes tends to fade, or even disappear completely. And without a strong friendship, infatuation has no chance of turning into love.

I realized a long time ago that nothing good can come from a marriage according to the principle “You are Orthodox, I am Orthodox, that means everything will be fine with us.” It will be possible, but not for long. At the first pious impulse. But rather, there will be the appearance that everything is good and correct. But, if there are no common interests besides faith, if there is not at least some commonality of characters, views, tastes, a similar sense of humor in the end, then very soon everything will begin to fall apart.

And in the best case, family life will continue out of inertia, out of habit, or out of a naked sense of duty. A sense of duty that will collapse at the first sign of passion, any passion - be it carnal passion or love of alcohol, or irritability, or stinginess, or whatever. Or the wife will become insufficiently pious for her husband (or vice versa) and endless pressure and humiliation will begin...

But in addition to all this, a person can also experience a crisis of faith. Or even leave the church completely. And then what will bind the spouses? What will save them and help those who lose this faith to get out? I'm afraid nothing. Because there is no trust in your other half, but there is doubt as to whether this is your half... And this “half” does not really strive to be a support, because it is consumed by bitterness, resentment, and simple family concerns.

Alas, I see more and more sad examples when a family is tormented by two crises at the same time - faith and family. For some reason, it often “sausages” men like this. And in this case, it is not even clear who has it harder - the woman who has no time to suffer much, because she has children in her arms and needs to think about what to do next, or a man who suddenly finds himself in the full feeling that absolutely everything in life was wrong, and especially marriage . Outwardly, of course, it’s harder for a woman (to be honest, in such situations I’m more on their side), but what about in reality? Who has more opportunities not to lose heart, in the literal and figurative sense of this expression?

To be honest, it’s even difficult for me to imagine this feeling - that you never really loved your spouse, and that something vague and abstract once connected you. I think this is very scary and painful.

I do not at all want to say that this can only happen in an Orthodox family, with people who got married in a neophyte impulse - an impulse of passion that connected “ordinary”, non-church people in this sense is no more reliable.

And even if the family does not fall apart, but is held together by a sense of duty or inertia, is it really a family? When the husband doesn’t want to go home, but the wife is happy if he stays late at work, when there is nothing to talk about except the budget, when either indifference or irritation hangs in the air all the time. And not temporarily, but forever. This may sound gloomy, but personally I think there is no way out of this situation. It's sad, but the moment was missed at the very beginning. Probably, in the case of a very strong-willed and responsible person who is ready to love the unloved, a breakthrough and a miracle happens. But, alas, I have not seen such cases.

In general, no matter how you look at it, you can’t go anywhere in marriage without friendship. I can give a lot of examples, not from books or even from the stories of “acquaintances,” but from my observations.

Here are families with one child, ordinary average, non-believers: the husband proposed to his wife very romantically, without close acquaintance and, especially friendship, without really knowing anything about her, they quickly got married, quickly got tired of each other, live by inertia, run the household together and They raise a child and don’t argue much. The wife says - oh, how nice it is when he leaves for a day. I remember that it was a shock for me when I first heard it. And this was at the beginning of family life, of all the participants in the conversation, I was married the longest at the time of that conversation, and I suffered terribly when my husband went to work for a day. And now I’m not at all surprised by such words (I don’t know what men say, I’m talking more about women), because I hear it very often, alas.

There are such striking examples from families of believers when people who are radically different got married, but both are Orthodox, which means everything will be fine and correct. And this led to the most tragic consequences, even worse than those of non-believers.

But here are families in which the spouses studied together (they hung out in various common get-togethers, were camp counselors, had some kind of common hobby), no special romance in the generally accepted sense, long friendship, for many for some time even without a shadow of thoughts about marriage and “relationships” - and now people have been together for many years, and they only become more interesting with each other. What's the secret?

There is no secret - ordinary friendship. Don't look for romance, passion, tears and sighs, but just look for a friend with whom you are interested and whom you trust. And then, you see, cordial relationships will appear.

It’s not for nothing that there is such an ancient name for a loved one - dear friend.

On Saturday, when the birds had just woken up and were singing cheerful songs, in their chirping language, a car stopped near the entrance, rustling tires. The man behind the wheel looked at the familiar windows, smiled, but looked at his watch and decided to wait. The city was no longer sleeping, although it was a day off. A young mother was walking near the entrance, pushing a blue stroller in front of her. The spokes on the wheels sparkled in the rays of the sun, and the man involuntarily closed his eyes. It rained at night. It seemed that someone had carefully washed the houses, and they stood wet with sad windows and were reluctant to dry. Two kids jumped out of the entrance and rushed past, chasing the ball.
“Still, what a wonderful yard,” Evgeniy thought to himself and smiled. After standing still, he did not dare to get out of the car and go up to the 4th floor. He started the engine and the car, as if apologizing for the early visit, drove out of the gate.
Katya woke up earlier than usual and, feeling the bed, did not find her husband in it. “He’s probably already woken up and is preparing breakfast for me.” Katya relaxed in bed and, pulling a robe over her naked body, went to look for her husband. The tenderness of the night and unrestrained sex were still sleeping in the bed. Rumpled sheets and scattered pillows were reminders of a nighttime battle in which there were no losers.
Katya entered the kitchen, but did not find her husband; she found a radio on the refrigerator, pressed the button, and the morning began with a cheerful voice: “Good morning, dear radio listeners. It's spring outside. Wake up quickly, otherwise you’ll sleep through the most interesting part...” Then I listened to the horoscope and remembered the words “Leos are very loving today, try to enjoy the surprises this day will bring. Don’t refuse new offers……”. Katya went to the window and noticed how their old friend’s car drove away from the entrance.
“Volodya apparently left with him - he didn’t want to wake me up.” Katya stood up on her tiptoes and turned on the electric kettle. In the morning, no matter day of the week, she could not live without aromatic invigorating coffee, especially since she no longer wanted to sleep.
Having cheered up, Katerina went out onto the balcony, completely forgetting that she had not tied her robe at her waist. Raising her arms up, she pulled herself up and her breasts were exposed. Without noticing this, the woman stood on the balcony and dreamed, closing her eyes. They began to stop near the entrance and, realizing the reason for the crowd of local onlookers (among whom the majority were retired men), she wrapped her robe around her and, winking at her grandfathers, went into the apartment. The mood was wonderful. The day promised to be good.
Vladimir woke up very early, removed his wife’s hand from his chest, he kissed her temple and decided to visit an old friend whom he had known since school. Zhenya understood and supported him in everything, and today he decided that they simply needed to talk. In order not to waste time, he called a taxi and left. But having arrived to visit and not finding Evgeniy at such an early hour, I was a little upset and decided to go to work and pick up a few papers that might be useful on Monday at a scheduled meeting.
Eugene, having toured the local courtyards, decided to return and still pay a visit. His mobile phone rang and he answered cheerfully:

Good morning, Volodya, are you home?

Zhenya, I went to see you, but apparently we missed each other, I’m in the office now, but I’ll be there soon, I really need to talk to you...

A beep was heard on the phone. The man, after thinking a little, decided not to waste time and drove into the yard. Having parked, they got out of the car with a bag of oranges, which Katya loves so much.

Who's there? – the woman asked, looking out the peephole, and seeing oranges in front of her eyes, she opened the doors.

Without any further questions, she let Zhenya in and slammed the doors.

Hello! How glad I am to see you, but Volodya is not there. “I thought you were going somewhere together,” Katya, pouting her lips playfully, suddenly laughed cheerfully and, accepting her favorite oranges as a gift, hurried to the kitchen.

Zhenya visited their home quite often, knew every thing in the house and always felt good here. And this time, going into the hall, he took a book from the shelf and, after leafing through it, slammed it shut. He liked Katya's short robe. How he wished there was nothing under it, and it would suddenly accidentally swing open, exposing her body. He bit his lip out of desire, feeling a slight heat in his groin area. “So old man, control yourself - this is a friend’s wife, it’s like a sister,” but someone’s persistent voice inspired him, “She’s not your sister - she’s a woman, and a very impressive one at that.”
Katya was not surprised by his friend’s visit; he came to see them very often, and they had lunch and even dinner together. Sometimes friends would sit up and talk for a long time about something, and Zhenya would leave very late. Katya got so used to Zhenya that, without hesitation, she walked around the rooms half-naked. This alarmed my husband at first, but when he didn’t see the twinkle in his friend’s eyes, he calmed down and stopped paying attention to such little things.
The woman decided to whip up breakfast and feed herself and the men. The fried eggs were already frying on the stove, when suddenly she felt warm palms on her waist. She didn’t turn around, didn’t protest, but simply froze. Zhenya stood behind her and stroked her. The palms wandered around the thighs and buttocks. Unable to bear it, Katya sighed with unexpectedly surging pleasure. He didn’t say a word, but simply stroked her, feeling how her body was agitated, how she responded to his touches with half-sighs.

Zhenya…….we can’t….- Katya tried to object, feeling her nipples filling with desire.

He remained silent, afraid to utter a word; he liked her defenselessness. His hand went to her stomach and, pressing slightly on her lower abdomen, he felt her legs tremble.

I have wanted you for a long time, Katya, from the very minute I saw you. If you don’t mind, I ask you to be mine, at least once - I will never forget it.

His lips kissed her neck and ears. She sighed, afraid to object, feeling wild desire and fear at the same time. She knew Evgeniy all her married life, but never considered him as a lover.
The man began to more persistently stroke his thighs and knead his buttocks in his palms. His hand was on her stomach again, and this time he gently tugged at the waistband. The robe opened and he felt her hot body. She was burning, turned on to the fullest, and he stroked her, timidly squeezing her breasts with his palms.

Zhenechka, what if Volodya returns…..I’m afraid.

He was in no hurry to conquer new territories of her body. He liked Katya’s embarrassment, and, turned on to the limit, he pressed himself against her, no longer embarrassed by his elasticity, tightly pressed to her butt.

“Oh, Zhenya,” she breathed out, feeling the robe slipping to the floor and her shoulders being covered with hot kisses.

He kissed her shoulders, her neck. And then, stroking the bare back, he ran his tongue along the spine, pulling moans of pleasure from the lips of the desired woman. Zhenya kissed her back, tickling some areas with his tongue, and Katya, forgetting about everything in the world, indulged in the pleasure given to her that morning.
His kisses and hands drove her crazy, she either rose on her toes, then stood on her entire heel, feeling how everything inside was trembling with excitement. And he enjoyed her body, losing his head next to the one he thought about at night.
Lifting her up, he sat her down on the table and unzipped his pants. Katya, opening her legs, hugged him with them and attracted him, not giving him a chance to retreat from his plan. The trousers dropped to the floor and he, taking her half-bent legs under the knees in his hands, entered. Gently penetrating Katya's womb, he trembled with ecstasy and kissed her eyes. A bag of oranges fell on the floor and orange balls rolled along the corridor.
He loved her passionately and quickly, plunging his cock into her hot and wet. She hugged him, giving herself completely. His eyes were filled with a wild desire to tear her into pieces and love-love her to the point of insanity as long as he could hold his legs. Zhenya raised her leg and began to kiss her, penetrating deeper and stroking her elastic thighs.
Katya, sitting on the table where the three of them so often gathered, moaned loudly. Their groans were probably heard by the whole city, well, if not the city, then definitely the neighbors. But that didn't stop them. Through the open window of the 4th floor, the moans of a thirsty man and a loving woman could be heard, mixing and flowing into one common powerful sound.
Of course, they did not hear the key turn in the lock and did not notice Volodya’s two surprised eyes. Before he could cross the threshold, he saw oranges scattered on the floor and bent down to pick up at least one and immediately dropped it when he heard sounds in the kitchen. There was a table right opposite the kitchen door, and on it was his Katyusha and his friend, who loved her, kissing her on the lips and moving his pelvis.
The folder with documents fell out of his hands, but having come to his senses, Volodya silently walked up to the kitchen and coughed. There was a moment of silence. Zhenya stopped, a guilty smile froze on his lips, and Katya, hiding her eyes, did not look at her husband, batting her eyelashes and not knowing what to do.
Vladimir asked quietly:

Katyusha, is it really comfortable on the table? It's much nicer in bed. Since this has already happened, I suggest we go to the bedroom. I’ve known for a long time that my wife dreams of “talking” with two people at the same time,” he smiled, winking at both frightened ones.

Katya jumped off the table and, looking at her husband with adoration, ran into the bedroom, followed by Evgeniy, a little confused by what had happened. Vladimir, a little later, followed them, feeling that they would not get out of bed this weekend....

P.S. All characters are fictitious, any resemblance to real people mere coincidence.

When a woman gets married, by default she expands her circle of acquaintances to include all her husband’s friends, regardless of whether she likes it or not. If mutual sympathy does not arise between the parties, the young husband finds himself at a crossroads - to meet his wife halfway or to remain faithful to old friendships.

How can a girl improve a relationship and should she do it? Find out why the fight for the attention of a loved one with his friends can end in tears and how to prevent a family tragedy.

Opposition theory

Every man definitely needs a field for self-expression - a society and a place where he could discuss topics that interest him “without censorship” and expect a reaction of approval in return. In a family environment, a guy asserts himself differently, and normally his behavior differs significantly from what is considered permissible in male company.

At the beginning of a marriage, while the “old priorities” are still at work in the relationship and the spouses are actively trying to defend their independence, friendship can come first for a man. He tries to prove to his friends and, first of all, to his young wife that entering into a marriage is not a reason to change his habits. Usually this situation in the family lasts for the first year after the wedding, after which the husband finally leans in favor of the side where he feels most comfortable.

Male friendship: protect or destroy?

The wife’s attitude towards her husband’s friends, as a rule, is formed during the difficult period of the “first year” for the family, and if the guy spends most of his free time meeting with friends, it cannot be positive. A woman faces a choice:

• leave everything as it is and come to terms with the fact that the husband will often disappear from home;
• make friends with your spouse’s friends by introducing yourself into their company;
• get rid of unwanted people by stopping your husband’s communication with them forever.

Having chosen an option for eliminating the danger that is acceptable to her, the girl must develop tactics of behavior and follow it to the end. She needs to be prepared for the fact that, sensing opposition, her husband’s friends will try to win the man over to their side, and whether they succeed or not will depend on her personal efforts.

In some cases, male friendship can be the key to the success of the head of the family and bring him not only pleasure from communication, but also contribute to the development of his financial and social status. In this case, even if the husband’s friend does not arouse the wife’s sympathy, it is better for her to leave the negativity to herself and develop a friendly and respectful attitude towards her new acquaintance.

Why do husbands choose friends?

Unlike women, for whom friendship means the opportunity to speak out and be heard, men perceive friendly communication as an option for self-realization. In the company of like-minded people or in the company of a best friend, a husband can temporarily abstract himself from the role of breadwinner and family protector and return again to the emotional state that preceded marriage.

In what cases can a man prefer the company of his comrades to the detriment of his family?

• immature character (infancy) and unwillingness to take responsibility;
• inability to behave naturally and at ease at home;
• low authority of the wife in the eyes of her husband;
• hysterical spouse and nervous atmosphere at home;
• a common hobby with friends that has been the basis of their relationship for many years (for example, fishing);
• reluctance to cause condemnation and receive henpecked status among acquaintances.

The husband may not be aware of the reason that drives him out of the house over and over again, but if this happens, the woman should look for the problem in her own attitude towards family life, and not in her husband’s communication with his friends. To deprive him of this resource by force means to doubt his masculinity and make him look ridiculous in front of his comrades. The husband, even having submitted to such a decision of his wife, may harbor a grudge against her, which will certainly lead to mutual disappointment.

A bad friend can't ruin a good husband

Women often complain that, under the influence of their best friend, their husband suddenly changes for the worse - he starts going out, drinking and showing aggression at home. However, the ability to radically change a person’s character is not characteristic of even the worst friends. People do not change suddenly, and no external circumstances can force a man to smoke and drink if these bad habits disgusted by his inner convictions.

Those unpleasant traits that a woman reveals in her husband during his communication with friends have, in fact, always constituted the hidden essence of his nature, developing throughout his life. But it is easier for a wife to blame unmarried or morally unencumbered acquaintances of her husband for all the misfortunes than to admit that the husband himself is ready to take up a bottle or run off to a party at the first opportunity.

Before “weaning” your spouse from friendly get-togethers, you need to ask yourself: is everything really so perfect in the family that, having lost an outlet on the side - even in the form of “bad” friends - the spouse will happily spend the whole weekend at home? Perhaps, left alone with themselves and with problems that were only covered up by external factors, the husband and wife will understand how little they have in common and how poorly they, in essence, know each other.

A fight for attention that might not have happened

The complaints of girls faced with their husband’s busy entertainment schedule sound the same: “I don’t want to communicate with my husband’s friends, but I also can’t allow him, under the influence of his friends, to slide into infidelity or alcoholism.” As a result, the wife is present at men's gatherings, not receiving any pleasure from communication and darkening the fun of the entire company with her dissatisfied appearance. Or he sits at home, stressing himself out mentally and preparing the ground for the next scandal.

In fact, if the girl bothered to be frank first of all with herself, this phrase would sound like this: “I will not allow my husband to devote his attention to anyone else but me.” The wife is offended: she works just like her chosen one, takes care of the housework and would like to receive gratitude for this. In this situation, her husband’s meetings with friends are perceived by her as a betrayal. She is nervous, fantasizes, and harasses herself and her husband with phone calls.

Having gone through a difficult period of getting used to each other, having learned to appreciate their partner and his interests (and this comes with years of marriage), women begin to regret this wasted time when they tried to control their husband’s every move. The hours spent in nervous anticipation are gone forever, and the eternal scandals that accompany each return of the spouse force him to look for new opportunities to leave home. It turns out vicious circle: demanding more attention to herself and not being able to argue her right with anything other than reproaches, a woman pushes a man away from her even more, and true friends become his salvation from an unbearable home environment.

Proper behavior with your husband's friends

At the beginning of family life or before the wedding, that X-meeting will definitely take place, which decides the girl’s future position in the established friendly environment of her husband. If a new participant in a get-together is “not welcome” and his friends directly tell the guy about this, there is a 95% chance that he will stop inviting his girlfriend to the company.

How can a girl behave correctly in a new society, so that the friends of her loved one consider her a worthy match for their friend and do not plot against her?

1. You should immediately present yourself as an integral part of the spouse, so that friends do not even have doubts that from now on all their invitations and other issues will be considered not by one person, but by two.
2. You need to think before you speak, and not rush to take sides in conversations, since behind every event in the company there is a story that is not yet known to the new participant.
3. You cannot flirt or highlight any of your husband’s friends with your attention - such behavior of a girl will cause ridicule in his direction and will automatically impose a ban on her presence in this society.
4. You should listen more and support your spouse more often in the conversation - this will give him confidence that his choice regarding his girlfriend has become the right one.

Most likely, there will be other girls in the company of your husband’s friends. If this is the case, then it is better for the newly arrived woman to first gain their favor. Even if guys don’t advertise it in society, at home they always listen to the opinions of their girlfriends, and this factor can be decisive for their friend’s bride.

How to get your husband out of a “bad” company

If in the company of friends a man reveals only his worst qualities, which make themselves felt in the home environment, the situation urgently needs to be changed. It will not work to forbid a guy to communicate with such people. Strong relationships between husband and friend are always justified on a deep psychological level. All that remains is to cool the old friendship, introducing doubt and mutual dissatisfaction with each other drop by drop.

Here are some of the most simple ways expel “extra” people from your spouse’s comfort zone:

• You need to praise your husband more often, saying how positive he is and at the same time wondering how he finds something in common with such a gray mediocrity as his friend.
• A girl can occasionally hint to her husband that his friend is looking at her, that she does not like his “greedy” look.
• If her husband's friend makes some mistake, the girl needs to show her grief - mostly by the fact that her friend's behavior disgraces her loved one.
• During joint gatherings, it is permissible for a woman to ask her husband’s friends “uncomfortable” questions in a friendly manner, the answers to which will not show them in the best light.

And finally, a girl should always look good and look a little helpless - then any attacks from her husband’s friends in her direction will make her husband want to protect her, to rebel against everyone.

Relationship with ex-husband's friend

Due to various circumstances, a marriage may break up, and some friends ex-spouse- turn out to be so sober as to take the side of the weaker half. There is nothing wrong with a girl, even after a divorce, continuing to communicate with her husband’s friend, even an ex-husband, but sometimes mutual understanding develops into a stronger feeling. It is much more difficult for guys to decide to follow it than for girls, because on one side of the scale they find themselves on the other side of the scale and on the other is a love adventure, which can either develop into a strong union or end in nothing.

For a woman, the possibility of a relationship with her husband's best friend is not so much a matter of ethics as an agreement with her own conscience. Short-sighted young ladies use such a move as revenge on their “ex” or to forget themselves with a person who “knows everything.” For a serious-minded girl, the opinion of her husband who was left behind is important. The thought “what will the ex think” lingers in a woman’s mind long after a divorce, and it is this thought that often becomes the reason why a promising friendship with her husband’s friend becomes impossible.

If the couple nevertheless decides to take an important step, the girl should remember three important “don’ts”:

• never reproach a man for betraying a comrade;
• do not compare life with a new guy with those relationships that are a thing of the past;
• do not allow young man think that he is being used as a weapon of revenge.

The option when men continue to be friends even after they have changed roles in relation to the girl is considered not the best. If men find a common language well, they will always be in solidarity to the detriment of anything, which means that a woman needs to be prepared for the fact that all conflicts in her new family will also be viewed through the prism of a failed marriage.

Psychologist comments

When getting married, a girl prepares herself in advance for the fact that new life circumstances will force her husband to change his attitude towards friends, giving them second place on the scale of importance, but this opinion is wrong. A man does not consider his past Family status from the point of view of sacrifice, for him marriage is a new component of a happy present, fitting in with other elements of joy, such as communication with friends.

Not a single normal man will answer positively to the bride’s question asked during premarital relations about whether he is ready to break with all friendly ties, having found family happiness. A man simply will not understand how these two moments of his cloudless future can supplant each other, and he will be right in his own way. The mistake of many young wives is that after the wedding they directly issue an ultimatum: “Either me or them!”, without even realizing that the desired effect can be achieved without squabbles and mutual accusations.

A well-groomed, affectionate, always playful wife who meets her husband in a good mood, no matter where he comes from - from work or from a friendly party - is a guarantee that within a short time new associations will form in the man’s mind. It is no longer a friend’s bachelor apartment or a cafe that will appear before his eyes when planning his next weekend, but a cozy home with a friendly hostess.

The topic of husband's friends is quite painful for many women who are not eager to share their precious spouse with someone else. Usually wives treat their husband's friends with great hostility and hatred, but this is not the rule.

The presence of friends and relationships with them leave a certain imprint on family relationships. The influence of relationships with friends should not be underestimated, since they, like ties with parents, often turn out to be more stable than family ties. Any attempts by a husband or wife to break such ties or impose their friends on them can have a negative impact on the family. These kinds of problems arise in almost every family. Why does this happen?

Friends of spouses are the cause of disputes and conflicts in the family, especially at the beginning of married life. Before the wedding, each spouse had friends who were connected by interests, general views for life, memories, etc. Since friends receive less attention after the wedding, naturally, they begin to be jealous and by any means, under any pretext, drag their husband out to friendly gatherings in cafes, bars, bathhouses, etc. This is no longer good.

If friends do not yet have a family, this does not mean that they can tear their dear spouse out of his family. What kind of woman would like this, especially if after such pastimes the husband returns home drunk? Dislike for your husband’s friends can also be caused by the fact that, at any opportunity, they can say unpleasant things about their spouse, for example, “She doesn’t know how to cook” or “She’s not beautiful at all,” or “You shouldn’t have married her at all.” . This kind of hostility towards friends especially arises if a woman becomes an involuntary witness to such a conversation. To tolerate such statements addressed to you, you need to have truly “iron” patience. It is better not to speak badly or critically about your husband’s friends, as this would be an unforgivable mistake. And practically nothing can be done about this, since the husband, most likely, will not refuse to communicate with old friends. Many women make a big mistake by putting their spouses before a choice. Often the choice may not be in favor of the wife. Although a husband may love his wife very deeply, he cannot refuse friends in principle.

Another reason for disliking your husband’s friends can be their abuse of your hospitality. It’s one thing when friends go out somewhere with your spouse once a week or two (cafe, bar, Soccer game etc.), and it’s completely different if every day at the same time in the evening you have the same impudent “face”. In such a situation, a serious conversation with your husband is simply necessary. He must explain to his friends that he is now a family man with certain responsibilities, that he can only come to visit on certain days and times. The excessive intrusiveness of my husband's friends, their lack of basic rules of decency, when they call at any time of the day or night and ask to come to the rescue or borrow money, is also the reason negative attitude wives to husband's friends. Any woman will not be delighted with this, to put it mildly.

An important point in the relationship between spouses is trust, so it is better not to interrogate your husband every time about how and where he spent the evening with friends. When spouses do not trust each other, family relationships deteriorate and love is lost. All women are accustomed to thinking that those places that their husbands and friends visit are hotbeds of debauchery, and that friends are trying to lead their faithful husband astray. However, this is not entirely true, since in most cases they relax there after a working day and discuss the latest news.

In general, is it worth tolerating your husband’s friends and making all sorts of concessions in this regard? If a woman loves her significant other very much and is interested in preserving the relationship and family, then she must come to terms with the presence of her husband’s friends, accept everything as it is and look for compromises.

The institution of family is based on one's word of honor. Just a generation ago, hardly anyone would have dared to state publicly that children are a burden, there is no need to get married, and a series of remarriages is wonderful.

Traditional marriage is taking on new forms: spouses live separately and visit each other, or, conversely, live together but are not married, or are married but allow each other any pranks on the side. However, on Poklonnaya Hill Black cars with gold rings on top are still parked. Brides come out of them, picking up their hemlines, and the women in the registry offices congratulate the newlyweds with state metal in their voices. What makes adults reasonable people perform this cumbersome ritual? Why should we even declare ourselves a family? There are several reasons, says Mikhail Papush, a member of the European Association of Psychotherapists. One of them is that a person came up with myths about the family, believed them, and now is trying with all his might to bring them to life.

— In our culture, the life of a couple is formalized into a family. And for almost everyone, family turns out to be a problem, because myths about family are unrealistic. At least the myth that family is both romantic love and reliability. People do not know how to combine spontaneous and free romantic love in marriage, or rather love, the life of which is limited, with an established way of life. This way of life involves a lot of mutual obligations, including, according to myth, sexual fidelity.

In addition, men and women tend to be infantile and self-centered. A man wants to be loved and served, to live by his values ​​and interests. A woman - to be loved and to live by this love. Everyone wants to receive, but no one is going to give, and both are offended. A 26-year-old man, co-owner of a company, came to see me. His wife, a sweet girl, left him. He sits, beats his fist on his knee and directly growls: “Well, why is she leaving? After all, I felt so good with her!”

Women are offended that he is inattentive and devotes little time to her and the children. He really tries to be somewhere far away, at work at best. Because he was tired of them.

And on his part, he is offended that she doesn’t care about him, they say, “I earn money for them all day long, but she doesn’t carry cabbage soup in her beak.”

— Why, when getting married, do people think that the other half owes them everything?

— The myth of love is built on a story about courtship; most fairy tales end with a wedding. But the myth also works after the wedding. It is believed that the kind of love that existed before marriage should always exist in the family. In fact, the period of courtship, when he throws everything at her feet, is one mode of existence and mental activity, and ordinary life is completely different. The husband needs to work, and he cannot devote all his time to her, just as the wife cannot devote all his time to him. Few people understand this. And she is much more busy with the baby than with her husband. And he is at a loss. One moment he had everything, and suddenly he had almost nothing. People are trying to adapt to this. At best, he begins to work more and educates himself.

- But not as a child and not as a wife.

-This is not inherent in instincts. In general, men's care for children is a rare thing. So, my husband has found himself in work, is growing in his career, and is busy. A year and a half has passed, the wife is no longer so busy with the child and is ready to “return” to her husband, but he is not there. If he wants love now, he won’t look for it with her. But in a good way, when a woman becomes pregnant, the man needs to include this circumstance in his life, so that they prepare together for the birth of the child. If everything was fine with them before, if the relationship was complete, they complement this completeness with a child. And when she is again ready to tear herself away from the baby and go out to meet him, the man will meet her, because all this time they have been together in spirit.

In a marriage, there are not only relationships between spouses about falling in love, but many different relationships, for a variety of reasons. Relationships in everyday life are one thing, in connection with some common interests - another, sexual relationships - a third. Spouses entering into this relationship are in different states. In the state of “night love” they see each other in a special way. In the morning at breakfast they see each other differently. And this transition, like other transitions, like the transition from courtship to everyday life, must be organized very subtly. You must understand that the delight that was at night cannot be reproduced in the morning, and this is not necessary. Often this difference causes terribly bewilderment. “Just now I was crazy about her, and now I’m looking - well, aunt and aunt, what should we do with her?” We need to know this and, when creating a family, think about who we are to each other, not only in the heat of desire, but also in life.

— Sexual interest in marriage becomes dull over the years, this is well known. However, it is customary to demand loyalty from each other. Why is such loyalty needed?

- It acts as a sign of being chosen. “If he chose someone else over me, then I’m not good.” “If she chose someone else over me, I’m no good.” And although in modern families there is often sexual dissatisfaction, one-sided or mutual, infidelity is perceived as a threat to an established family life. Sexuality, by the way, is not always the most important thing in marriage, often not even the most important. The couple can be held together by other connections. For example, a henpecked man needs a female heel; this may be no less a strong instinctive need than sexual desires. In addition, people get used to living together, it is difficult for them to give it up, and even in the absence of children, they cling to each other, not knowing how to live independently.

- What's wrong with that? They live for themselves and live, maybe it’s easier for them this way.

— The trouble is that such relationships are standardized, people stop noticing each other - they just live together because it’s more convenient, they don’t even talk about love. The life of such a couple becomes quite dull. This is not even cynicism, this is indifference. If you don’t want to live a sad life, decide for yourself what you want. Answer yourself the question, what is more important to you - spontaneous romantic love or everyday reliability, an established life. In a family, one rarely gets along with the other. Answer and decide whether you stay in this family or leave. And depending on this decision, you either adapt or say “this doesn’t suit me.” But in this place everyone “hangs” endlessly: they are unhappy, and do not leave, and whine. If you didn't leave, then you stayed. If you remain, be kind enough to adapt and establish a satisfactory life as best you can and to the best of your ability.

This decision, apparently, is not easy. There are no more than a quarter of my clients who stay because “I want to be with this person.” Another quarter find it too difficult to decide to make changes, and the rest eventually admit that love is not the most important thing in their life, but what is more important is reliability, comfort, and material conditions. I have rarely seen families where husband and wife truly love each other. If these are relatively mature people, their crush has grown into love. A more accessible option is friendship, which includes satisfactory sexual relationships. Such people can live together happily ever after.

But more often I encounter what I would call not love, but affection. In the sense of not “I love you - I can’t live without you,” but “I can’t live on my own or by myself.” The feeling of one’s own lack of vitality... the formula “where would I be without him (or without her)” is probably appropriate here.

— About ten years ago, one sociologist told me that, having surveyed students about their amorous plans, his colleagues saw: young people were planning five to seven marriages for their lives. If they fell out of love, they ran away and started again. Sequential polygamy. Is this really what this is all about?

— In my opinion, no. Of those I know, most would like to get married once and for all, because the myth of either one love or one marriage sits in everyone’s head. And then, from work experience, I know that repeated changes of partners exhaust and tire a person. With every parting, something is lost, something goes away. When a person is looking for a mate in his youth, he is preparing to give, to invest a lot of himself in this couple. When a couple is formed, people open up to each other and really give a lot, and with the feeling that all these feelings, signs of love are “for you and only you.” The second time, this feeling of “for you, only you, and no one else ever” disappears. And it is one of the important components of love.

So, if I were giving advice to these same students, I would say: walk while you walk, enter into temporary alliances, but only without children, and just consider it temporary. But when you get together seriously, take it very seriously. Here we also need to say about the stages mental development. IN adolescence, when puberty is already in full demand, first romantic, then sexual relations, and the consciousness is still half-childish, boyfriends and girlfriends can be changed without difficulty. And the next stage of adolescence is the stage of choice: a profession, more global goals in life, a couple. When people find themselves at this stage - and they should be at it in their early 20s, but among my clients this usually happens at 30-40 years old at best - so when and if a person reaches this stage of development, he chooses a life partner. And then a person begins to understand that falling in love, of course, is a necessary condition, but extremely insufficient. We also need compatibility and common life plans.

There is such an existential concept as “life project”. How a person plans to live his life. And it is very important that these partners’ projects are compatible. And if they are incompatible, then with very strong love the situation turns out to be tragic: it is impossible for them to live together. There are men whose life project does not include a partnership with a woman at all, but puts something else first, for example, creativity.

- Why not reconsider your project in order to be with this person?

“I know several cases when men tried to revise them. And every time I asked the question: what is more important to you, say, your research or a woman? They tried to pretend it was a woman, but the research was actually more important.

- Is this a masculine trait?

— A woman’s individual project is a rare thing. Typically, a woman has a project to “be with a man a certain way,” but he doesn’t want that. Then what should she do?

- Spit on him or adjust, I guess.

— Here’s a story about how you can combine two different life projects. He's an IT guy high level, he is terribly interested in this. And since childhood she wanted many children. They got married, had children, and now there are four of them. She decided from the very beginning that since she and only she needed these children, she would deal with them herself, without interfering with his business. At the same time, she gave him cabbage soup to his nose, and a shirt in the morning, and everyone is happy. She does not expect any help or excessive participation from him, she lets him live as he needs, and she lives as she needs. She wanted children - she has them, she fusses with them, and he earns money. The projects turned out to be compatible, since she did not demand his participation.

But here is a story about incompatible projects. The woman was oriented towards family, home comfort, and ensuring that “we have everything together.” Family dinners, family hikes, making sure he was always by her side. And the man was busy with his creativity, his work. He needed this woman in his rare free hours. It so happened that they were both in love and attached to each other. It was precisely that “I want to be with you and only you” - and they couldn’t, it didn’t work out. They parted very bitterly. But it was impossible for them to live together.

In another case, one businessman wanted his wife to meet him from work, sit at home, cook cabbage soup, and worry about his business with him. She had to be with him and for him, for him. And she married him, began to study, turned into a businesswoman - and began to compete fiercely with him in business, wanting to crush him (they were partners or at least become equal with him). He was more experienced and stronger, he squeezed her out of business, and they separated. And the love was the strongest. Compatibility of life projects is an important thing...

- How to calculate it? Just talk?

- Well, not only talk, but carefully watch how a person lives.

There is also this thing: when young people, without life experience, get together, they, listening to what the person’s plans are, think that he or she is just saying that, that it’s not very serious and that “when we live together, that’s all.” things will get better." But this is not so, and from the outside it can be seen. In such cases, I say: try not to do irreversible actions, don’t have children, don’t register them in an apartment. Love - and love yourself.

In addition to the life project, there is also a very strict compatibility criterion: stratum affiliation. Educational background, attitude towards money, social status. And if there is a misalliance in this regard, modern family disintegrates quickly. Misalliance is if, for example, she has a university education, and he is a driver. There may be a very strong sexual attraction between them, but they most likely will not have a good family.