Husband earns more. What to do if the wife earns more than her husband

Valeria Protasova

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The husband receives little and does not strive to change anything in this, while the wife counts every coin, saving even on the most necessary things. In this case, the situation of the family is critical. This state of affairs does not suit a woman, and her husband is pleased with everything.

Why did this happen, and has it always been like this? Why does the husband earn little, and how to make him earn more? Here's what to think about in this situation.

The reasons that the husband does not receive a lot of money - why does the husband earn little?

Laziness is not a reason, because a person is inherently lazy, this is an ordinary feeling of conserving energy. Everyone tries to do less than they can.

• He has such a character. The husband does not need anything, he is ready to sit at the TV forever, he is not afraid of the mess in the house, he is not embarrassed by dirty socks in the corners. Yes, and he himself is not pretentious about things. New phone not needed, clothes - and the old ones are not bad yet, repairs - why, when the wallpaper has not yet fallen. An infantile person, it would seem, is not interested in anything. But there must be something that draws him in. This needs to be grasped.
• Not ready for a leadership role. In the parental family, he was always a small child, who was provided by his mother. And the wife, by the way, got strong and powerful. That's why he does everything to the fullest.
• Features of work. Perhaps such an activity requires a long start, but then this delay will pay off with interest and give out the desired large salary. For example, in order to achieve a promotion, you need to have experience of 3-5 years. Or you need to achieve some specific merits, develop a dozen projects.
• Or maybe the husband earns normally. It's just the wife spending a lot. It is worthwhile to soberly assess your costs. Perhaps too much money is spent on cosmetics and clothing. Or maybe for food. Is the family accustomed to eating delicious food, going to restaurants? Then the reason is clear.

The key to this issue is roles of women and men in the family . Since ancient times, the wife is the keeper of the hearth, mother, tenderness and love. The husband is strength, power, prosperity, protection, support and a stone wall.

The business of a woman is to establish a life, the business of a man is to raise funds for living. As soon as money appears in the house, the wife instinctively begins to build a nest, as soon as a woman ceases to maintain comfort in the house, a man ceases to provide this house . Vicious circle.

Conceived in women in such situations, the idea appears that without a husband it would be easier to live economically. It costs more than income. Somewhere you will have to deny yourself cosmetics, a new thing ... But you should not do this. This - the path that will lead to a deep hole, from which it will no longer be possible to get out. The faithful will cease to see a woman in his wife, will cease to respect her. He will sit on his neck, hang his legs, and will not take into account her needs.

What should be done so that the husband earns well, how to make the husband earn money?

• Don't get divorced. In order for a husband to earn good money, you need to motivate him enough for this.
• Stop pushing yourself. Let you have to live from hand to mouth, but this is the most effective way reach out to him, explain that he is the breadwinner. In addition, if a woman acts as a breadwinner, then she will not be able to devote much time to children, which she will later regret bitterly.
• Dream, make plans for the future together. Know what it takes to work harder. If it doesn’t work out, then you can create wish lists and write whatever you want there without filtering anything out. Draw a wish card. Glue clippings from magazines, newspapers on a sheet of paper. Like a new TV, a sandy beach with palm trees, a new car.
• Save right. As mentioned earlier, you should not limit yourself and loved ones in everything. Strict economy will not lead to good. You just need to eliminate impulsive purchases, plan expenses and keep them under control.
• Let the husband feel the lack of funds on himself. Looks like old clothes, will not see sausages in the refrigerator. This will work better than the hundredth reminder to buy a child running shoes. And let him go to the parent meeting himself, they also demand money there.
• Give the reins of financial management to your husband. Let him plan expenses, know what and how much the family needs per month, what prices are in stores. And what can the family really afford for his salary.
• Appreciate your husband, recognize his authority. Leadership is in the blood of men. If you let go of control over the affairs of the family, then after a while the responsibility will be taken by the husband. The main thing is to wait. Any man seeks admiration for himself, wants to know that he is the best. Read also:
• And, of course, praise. For starters, let it be a simple gratitude for delicious tea. Do not compare or nag your husband - this undermines his authority.
• Talk. If the relationship with her husband is trusting, then a simple conversation with a plan for the future is enough. For example, if a family wants to relax in an exotic country in the summer, then a certain amount of money is needed for this. It can be accumulated if you put aside several thousand every month. And what needs to be done to get them out of the family budget: start saving or find a side job.
• Give birth to children. This is one of the strongest incentives for a husband to start bringing money into the house. And the more the better. The primitive instinct of the getter and the hunter also works in modern civilized men.

Taking on the role of a breadwinner is the wrong way out of the situation. You need to make a successful, self-sufficient person out of your man , leader and, of course, the head of the family.

If you liked our article and have any thoughts about it, please share with us. It is very important for us to know your opinion!

From the point of view of the woman herself, she studied and worked hard for many years to get a well-paid job, and now her husband just has to get used to the new reality. Some problems that women who earn more than their husbands need to be aware of.

1. Sexual life suffers from the rearrangement of sex roles. Women who become breadwinners in the family or simply earn more than their husbands do not fit into traditional gender stereotypes. Family roles are becoming increasingly blurred. As a result, it often suffers intimate life couples.

Sexual fantasies are often based on traditional ideas about sex roles, although this does not mean that partners really want to adhere to these roles in Everyday life. But if in ordinary life they deviate very far from traditional roles, their attraction to each other may weaken. This does not mean that they will actually have to change their established roles, but it is important to consider this effect. Think about what you can do to restore mutual attraction - for example, change your roles at the level of play and fantasy, without changing them in reality.

2. You treat him with disdain. Some men think that this state of affairs degrades them, deprives them of their masculinity. There may be a feeling that they are losing some kind of competition to their spouse.

However, this reaction does not occur for everyone. Perhaps they do not want to take on more household chores, as this does not bring them joy at all, but rather the opposite. All this is hard for them. And, of course, if such disagreements arise, the wife cannot simply say: “Oh my God, stop suffering already because you don’t feel like a man!”

Many women find it difficult to understand their attitude to family responsibilities: they are both desirable and painful.

As with any other problem, understanding and empathy is important. Think about how you can help each other feel more comfortable in new role. He can take on some responsibilities that will help him feel more courageous: repairing, fixing the car, etc.

3. You yourself do not know how to relate to this situation. For women who earn more, it is also difficult. Often they want to work in a responsible and well-paid job, but at the same time they are still tormented by doubts. For example, due to the fact that they do not have enough time to communicate with children and take care of them. Due to the fact that the husband cannot be relied upon financially, a sense of security may be lacking. Understanding this can be tricky.

And what about the so-called "invisible work" of women (duties of mother and housewife)? Yes, many women are weighed down by this burden, but many at some level still want to fulfill these responsibilities. They want to take the child to the pediatrician themselves, watch how he is weighed and measured for height, and if they can’t find the time for this, they begin to suffer. Many women find it difficult to understand themselves and their ambivalent attitude towards family responsibilities, which are both desirable and painful for them. It would be best to take on the main thing (trips with the child to the doctor, to various events and extracurricular activities) and leave the rest to someone else.

4. A man loses the meaning of life. We always say: "I do not compete with my husband / wife." But we still compete with each other, although we are not always aware of it. If the husband’s career stops developing, and the wife begins to earn more, he may develop self-doubt, he will begin to ask questions: “Well, where is “my” sphere then?”.

Uncertainty often leads to discontent and anger. It is important for many to have some life goals not family related. It rarely happens that a man does not need it at all. But it is possible to find meaning and purpose in life even without large incomes. He can run a business from home, be a researcher or a writer.

For most men, it is important that they can say: "I am someone." It is equally important that his activities are supported by his spouse. Most people believe that a spouse should give them happiness and joy, and if this does not happen, they file for divorce. A partner cannot make you happy, only you can find happiness for yourself. But a partner can help you with this. If he does not support you, you may become depressed, and this will cast doubt on the future of your relationship.

Do not try to control everything, transfer some of the responsibility to him and do not forget to say "thank you"

5. You don't let him take over some of the responsibilities. Taking care of the house, raising children, family matters and obligations... "Some men will say, 'Don't worry about it, I'll take care of everything.' But he will do everything in his own way, not exactly the same way as you would do it. Most likely, spouses have different ideas about how to properly perform daily duties.

It may be normal for him to give the children a cake for breakfast: "They won't die from this, everything will be fine with them." And she, having heard this, will think: "Well, that's it, now I have to deal with this." Consider what you can leave in his care. Saying (explicitly or implicitly): "No matter what you do, it will still be bad, because you do not do it the way I do," you only push your husband away from you.

It turns out that, having lost the status of the earner, he tried himself as the main educator and housewife, but now he is being told that he cannot cope with this either. It is important to make it clear to him that you appreciate his contribution to the common family business. So do not try to control everything, transfer some of the responsibility to him and do not forget to say “thank you”.

About the Expert: Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and author of several best-selling books.

Candidate talks about how to avoid family conflicts related to money psychological sciences, director of the Moscow Center for Psychotherapy and Counseling at the Institute of Psychology of the Russian Academy of Sciences, senior researcher of this institute Alexander Valentinovich Makhnach.

It's not about the money

Marriages in which a woman earns more than her husband do not usually break up because of money. But because in this case certain stereotypes are broken both in men and women. A man reacts very painfully to such a situation due to the peculiarities of male psychology and the traditions of our culture. And it can be difficult for a woman to resist the temptation to emphasize her wealth. High earnings often become for her a way to compensate for years of unsettled life, a symbol of independence. And this transformation, of course, leads to very serious conflicts, up to the breakup of the family. Such a marriage is doomed to failure when true values ​​are replaced by a material equivalent and a woman tries to take a dominant position in the family.

It's hard to resist the temptation to emphasize your worth

How to behave if you earn more than your husband

• First, do not exaggerate the importance of your role as the "primary earner". Such pathos in such a situation is inappropriate and offensive to a man. On the contrary, try to emphasize from time to time that such a balance of power is accidental and temporary.
• Secondly, never make categorical statements like: “I decided so, and your opinion does not concern me, I do not owe anything to anyone.” This is wrong, because you must take into account the interests of all family members. In conflict situations, it is better to consult a psychologist.
• Thirdly, even during quarrels, in no case should you hurt weak sides relating to the personality of the husband, his physical, psychological and social characteristics, appearance And social status. Even if you are too annoyed by his slowness, short temper, untidiness or relationships with colleagues, friends and relatives - try to refrain from criticism. Especially in those conversations that are related to a completely different topic - with your income and the establishment of new rules in family life. Any criticism on a personal level unambiguously leads to blocking a man of any ability to dialogue. He becomes unable to soberly comprehend the situation.

How to share money

The division of money accounts and funds accepted in most Western families is hardly suitable for our mentality. A shared budget is good, it's part of our culture, and trying to learn from someone else's experience is usually doomed to failure. We have a division of the budget - a division of the family.

Another thing is that it is possible to determine a certain percentage of the total amount of income, equal for both spouses, which they can spend at their discretion. It is a percentage, not a specific amount. Then, in the event of a change in family income, the personal "pocket" funds of each spouse will increase or decrease proportionally.

Such a percentage should be determined even if only the husband is the breadwinner in the family. A woman's domestic work is her contribution to the family. And it is equivalent to the money that a man earns. A non-working family member - whether it is a woman or a man - also has the right to participate in spending decisions.

In any case, it is better not to drive conflicts inside, but to resolve them in any way. After all women Health too fragile to carry the burden of psychological problems.

Prepared based on the materials of the journal

A man is a breadwinner and his role is to support a family. This is what many people in our society think. But times are changing, and often husbands earn less than their enterprising wives. Often in such families there are financial disagreements. Either the husband is offended by this state of affairs, or the wife, without noticing it herself, begins to put pressure on the faithful with her superiority. Outcome - in a quiet family life quarrels begin. It is possible to avoid this development of events, you just need to find the right approach to the situation.

The wife earns more than her husband: the experience of families

Is it really possible for a wife to earn a quarrel? Our readers admit: deep down, a woman understands that she is comfortable next to a strong man who can support a family. If this does not happen, then the wife begins to feel like a housekeeper and a breadwinner in one bottle. Can a wife's salary affect relationships in the family, our readers said.

The atmosphere in the house depends on the wife, says Olga Ryazanova:

“There was a time when I earned more than my husband. He was worried, I reassured him that the whole house was on him. He cooked dinner, since I came later, did homework with the child. Everything changed when I got fired. Now he earns twice as much. The situation can change at any moment. The main thing is not to cut a working husband on the subject of his salary. If he experiences himself, then support and emphasize his significance.

But in the family of Anya Smirnova, the situation is completely different:

“This is a big problem for me and my husband. More precisely, I have a problem, because not only do I earn more, but I still do all the household chores. As a result, I feel like a draft horse. And what is most offensive, the husband seems to be used to this state of affairs. As they say, he sat on his neck and dangled his legs. Naturally, I start to get nervous, I try to stimulate him to earn money, and in response I get a sharp reaction. I can't do anything about it."

Anastasia Sukhova creatively approached the sensitive issue:

“When my husband and I met, even before the wedding, he earned 2 times less than me. I won’t say that it bothered me at that moment, but I didn’t understand what was the point of sitting young guy in the civil service for 20 thousand rubles, when is it better to go to private sector and earn more. Encouraged him to change jobs. As a result, by the wedding, he began to earn twice as much as me. And a career in the private sector went uphill. Only wisdom, endurance and mutual respect can affect the issue of earnings.

And in the family of Elena Evstafieva, the question of comparing the salaries of husband and wife no longer arises. And this case is to blame:

“It so happened that my husband almost died. And you know, after that, it doesn’t matter to me at all how much someone earns. The main thing is that we are together, we try to support our family and do everything possible to make us and the children comfortable.”

However, readers agree on one thing: it is important that the husband is looking for opportunities to earn more.

Three dangerous methods: how not to drive the situation into a dead end

What to do so that the size of the salary does not become a cause of family conflicts? There are three basic rules to follow:

• Don't show your dominance. Do you like it when a man says something like a hackneyed phrase: “be quiet woman, your day is March 8”? Or: "I earn, and I decide everything." Unpleasant. You start saying that your husband does not respect you. Don't do the same. The amount of income is not a reason to express superiority. And in general, superiority over a loved one sounds strange.
• Don't make your husband a housewife and don't take it all on. Do not forget that men do not tend to play this role. Many of them are not able to cope with household trifles. It depresses, makes you helpless and even angry. Therefore, competently distribute household chores with your husband. It is wrong to dump everything on one person: yourself or your husband. In the first option, you will feel like a draft horse, in the second, a man will wither away. Even if a man is forced to temporarily stay at home: taking care of small children, an elderly family member, is unlucky with work, then you need to show how valuable his care is to you and emphasize that this is a temporary state of affairs.
• Don't skimp on yourself. Sayings: “I still have to feed my family, how can I spend on myself” is a deep delusion. Don't forget that you are a woman. And just like a man, you have the right to your little feminine weaknesses. Within reason, of course.

The main problems of the family, where the wife earns more

With uneven incomes, where the majority is with a woman, the following controversial issues arise:

• The budget is joint or separate. Do not allow a situation in which a man asks for money for certain needs. Therefore, the budget should be general. But with one condition: all purchases are negotiated in advance and the spouses come to a joint opinion regarding large expenses.
• Making decisions. Whether to change the place of residence, where to spend the holidays, is it worth starting repairs. Leave the last word to your husband and create all the conditions for his choice. Naturally, a husband can yield to his wife in something. It already depends on the cunning and flexibility of a woman who pushes the faithful to right choice. But it should be his desire to give in, and not imposed by you, demanded by threats or tantrums.
• Suffering male pride. It is not surprising that it seems to the spouse that he is “not a man” and he is oppressed by the circumstances. Remember the hackneyed: “a man is a breadwinner” and other statements? Therefore, you do not need to put pressure on your husband even more. Comparison with Petrov, Ivanov, or someone else out there who earns more and “already bought a third fur coat for his wife” only infringes on male pride. Like an offended child, he will decide for himself: “Well, I won’t do anything at all.” And it won't. And from your notations, he will start running to friends or, even worse, drinking. He can accuse you of allowing yourself a lot, having huge appetites, and in general, it's time for you to take care of the house. So appreciate, love, respect and look for levers of soft influence on the sweetheart.

Inna, 32 years old:

« I earn more than my husband and it practically destroys our marriage. My husband and I have always been very gentle and trusting relationship. I was very happy in marriage, because my husband is the most reliable and caring man in the world. Everything was just fine with us, until my salary was raised again. This caused me twofold emotions: the joy of the fact that my career is developing successfully, and ... a sense of guilt. Yes, yes, it was guilt, because it seemed to me that this news would not please my husband, but would lower his self-esteem. The fact is that he has a very modest salary, and if I give up my job for him, then I will not be able to give birth to a child, because the three of us simply cannot live on his salary. But the fact that I earn more than my husband, brings tension and quarrels into our relationship. I want to understand how I can continue in this situation.”

So, I decided to turn to psychologists for comments in order to find out how our heroine should behave in order to return her former happiness and peace to her marriage. " I earn more than my husband"- the topic of our conversation.

Question: If I earn more than my husband and I see that it does not please him, what is the problem here - money?

Not at all. Usually families in which the wife receives more money than the husband do not break up because of a financial issue. The fact is that in such a marriage, both the woman and the man break certain stereotypes. Due to the traditions of our culture and the psychology of men, husbands react very sharply to such a situation. As for a woman, she, seeing that she is more successful than her husband, sometimes emphasizes her superiority in front of him, shows her independence and independence. When a woman begins to suppress a man and take his position in the family, then such a marriage eventually breaks up.

Question: How should I behave?

First of all, try not to show your husband that now you are the main earner in the family, and he depends on you. Such behavior will be offensive to your husband.
If you began to earn more money and your family budget is supported by you, then remember that you still have to take into account the interests and opinions of all family members. If you say: “I don’t care about your opinion”, “I decided everything myself”, then you will only destroy your relationship.
Try not to hurt your husband's self-esteem, do not put pressure on his weaknesses, try to refrain from criticism, especially when it comes to his income.

Olga, 26 years old:

« I earn more than my husband, and all this led to the fact that he forbade me to work, began to suppress me. He believes that a woman should not work at all, that her main role is to be, and when I also began to earn more than him, he could not come to terms with this. Now we constantly quarrel, and he demands that I leave work. I don't know what to do in this situation."

If your husband puts such conditions on you, then you have two options. Or a family, and leave work, or try to clearly distinguish between the role of a careerist and mistress of the hearth. That is, try not to bring home your qualities of a woman. At home, you must show your husband that he is the head of the family, and his opinion is very important to you. Consult with him, show how important his support is to you. Try to convey to him that your career will not interfere with marriage, that Professional Development very important to you, but it won't change the fact that you love your husband.

Irina, 28 years old:

« I earn more than my husband and he took it as a call to action. He decided to prove to me that he is more successful, smarter, and that he can earn more. That is, we have begun a competitive struggle, and I don’t like it at all. We began to see each other much less often, the relationship became completely different from what it used to be. And how long such a struggle will last - I do not know.

There is a way out of this situation: if you do not want to or quit your job, you will have to find a middle ground. Understand for yourself and convey to your husband that the family is not a competition, and you are not rivals to each other. If this is not understood, then love, sincerity and warmth will fade into the background.

And a few tips that earn more than a husband:
- Do not put pressure on your husband with your independence or independence;
- Relax at home, move away from your role as a business woman;
- Clearly separate your professional qualities and women's; at home you are a wife and mother;
- Show your husband that he is dear and important to you, celebrate his successes, say that you are proud of him.

Now there are a lot of families in which the husband earns less than his wife, but at the same time household are raising children. And wives simply cannot get enough of their spouses. They reason like this: I earn more than my husband, but on the other hand, he provides me with a reliable rear and a well-established life.

In any case, the main thing is that the situation does not cause conflicts, but suits both the husband and wife. A woman should try not to underestimate her husband's self-esteem with harsh statements. For example: “You do nothing, but I earn money”, “Yes, when will you start doing something, and not sit on my neck.” Remember that a strong family rear will be a help to your career.

Women's magazine JustLady wants only warmth, love and mutual respect to reign in your family. Whatever the situation, remember that at home you are a man and a woman, not rivals. You are together to give each other love, and not try to overtake one another.

Alisa Terentyeva
Women's magazine JustLady