“He cheated on me with a younger girl, and I forgave him. What to do if a guy cheats? To forgive or not What to do if your boyfriend cheated on you

7 reasons for male infidelity that 90% of women are unaware of

Strictly for women!

My name is Zulfiya Arefieva. I am a family psychologist and VIP coach, helping women become self-sufficient, independent and happy. I help you build a relationship with your man on trust and respect for each other, without lies and betrayals. I have two higher education and many years of experience working with people. I have an international certificate as a family psychologist and am a full member of the All-Russian Psychotherapeutic League. Private psychological practice and rich life experience allow us to effectively help families and couples in difficult situations. I have been married for over 30 years. She not only saved her family, but also created an atmosphere of mutual trust with her husband.

The most common topic of appeals to me is a man’s betrayal. Clients from 18 to 60 years old come to me with the same question.

"How could he cheat on me? Why?"

This is the most painful point for women whose husband or loved one has cheated on them.

Millions of women have been betrayed by men for centuries, but each woman experiences pain and horror in her own way. Each client has her own love story, her own personal conditions and circumstances, her own plans for the future. And suddenly all this collapses overnight! Misunderstanding, resentment, feelings of confusion, guilt, and anger literally overwhelm my clients who first learned about a man’s infidelity. When the first emotions subside, our confidential conversation begins. It becomes clear why the gap occurred. What was a harbinger of betrayal on the part of a man or woman.

Over the years of practice, I have found out that in fact there are not many reasons for men to cheat in relationships. They can be divided into primary and secondary.

I have compiled my top list of reasons why men cheat. In the first place is the lack of varied and regular sex with your wife or regular partner.

“I thought he didn’t need it anymore,”— client Natasha says embarrassedly. She is 49 years old, her husband is 53. They have not made love for 4 years. First, a late baby, sleepless nights and pain. The husband faded into the background. Although he helped raise his daughter and spoiled her with toys and entertainment. And the relationship with my husband became more like an on-duty relationship - “...what to buy, what to wash, what to cook?”

And yesterday her old friend called her and told her the news - all the company employees were whispering about her husband’s affair with the new secretary. She thought that her husband was completely immersed in his career, building a business, so he was very tired. “How could he do this to me? I just don’t understand!” The woman burst into tears once again. "What should I do now?"

A very typical situation for people over 40 years old. And sometimes even 35-year-old women come with a similar problem. Sex on the side begins when the husband stops having fun with his wife in bed. Monotony, frequent refusals due to fatigue, lack of understanding of each other’s desires. The situation can be corrected when both spouses want to stay together after cheating and are ready to meet each other’s wishes.

In second place are the reasons for husbands' infidelity: "I'm tired of listening to my wife's hysterics! Damn, this is really annoying!"

Client Asiya, 35 years old: “I’m tired of my husband always doing everything the tenth time! He forgets to buy groceries, although I reminded him 10 times a day! I ask him to nail down a shelf or take out the trash a hundred times! So all day long I just do what I try to force him to do "Something for the family, where, by the way, his son is also growing up! Not only am I, while on maternity leave, forced to raise him like a second child! But he was also planning to leave for someone else! This is instead of gratitude for my work!"

The diagnosis of such numerous stories is the same - the pair is not “husband and wife,” but “mother and son” or “boss and subordinate.” Women crush their husbands under them, and then expect some kind of gratitude. Instead, the man runs off to find a female partner, lover or wife.

The third reason is trivial - parents interfere.

Kairat, the husband of my client Alina, she is 28, he is 38 years old. “All the time, my wife complains about me to her parents, and sometimes she interferes with mine. They listen to her enough, hang their ears, when they’re retired, and start lecturing me on the phone and at any meeting. And then it got to the point that a special family council was invented for topic - “why am I late at work!” I spat and went to visit my employee. Well, she’s pretty, young, lives alone and understands me. I tell her that my wife bullies me, she gives advice and supports, as best he can. I slept with her and I don’t want to go home. There will be such a howl there! For the first time in 10 years I haven’t spent the night at home!!!"

The immaturity of newlyweds and the unbroken connection between parents and adult children lead to violation of boundaries new family. Parents, trying in their own way to help their children in conflict, only aggravate the situation.

The fourth most common reason men give as an excuse for cheating is lack of money.

“She sits at home, demanding something from me all the time! Either she wants new furniture, or to a restaurant, or to Turkey, or a new coat.”

Maria, 32 years old. She and her common-law husband have been renting an apartment for 5 years. Wants to have a baby. But her man is in no hurry to formally propose to her, all the time citing the fact that he does not have money for a wedding, travel, or clothes. “Sometimes he can’t even go to the movies or buy something tasty!”

Maria quit as soon as they started living together and is now trying to save on everything. She cooks food herself, cleans their rented one-room apartment, waters flowers, walks the dog, does laundry and buys groceries. After all, if she goes to work, she won’t have time for all this.

And then it turned out that he had been dating another woman for six months. "My mistress is 5 years older than him! She is the director and owner of her beauty salon, and now he wants to completely leave for her! How can I continue to live? I have no job, money and my own corner. Is he really leaving me because of her money?"

Sometimes misplaced priorities put women in a very vulnerable position. The professional and personal development of both spouses should follow the scenario of each individual. If one of the spouses turns into a servant for the other, then he ultimately becomes unnecessary as a wife or mistress.

This desire turns into an all-consuming goal, incompatible with family life. A man can completely ignore family responsibilities, attention to his woman fades into the background, and he replaces aggravating permanent relationships with fleeting, non-binding contacts. Or he is looking for a muse, a colleague in his work.

Svetlana, 45 years old, married for 16 years. She came to me with a complaint about her husband, who, instead of having fun together, traveling and doing household and country chores, began writing poetry. He doesn’t skip work, but at home he often falls into a state where he doesn’t hear or see anything around. “He walks around and mumbles something under his breath.” When she starts to brawl especially violently, he slams the door and may not return for the night. Sometimes he comes drunk and angry. Then she instructed the driver to find out where he was at night. It turned out that the husband has a mistress! “That’s what he’s missing? The house is a full bowl, always clean, prepared, cozy.”

It is important that a woman shares her husband’s hobbies or at least is interested in them and supports them. If this is not the case, then the man considers himself misunderstood, unfulfilled and seeks approval from the outside. Often this ends in romance.

Sixth common reason cheating is different views on life.

"You're buying the wrong toilet paper. You're watching the wrong sausages. You're watching the wrong programs. You don't understand Russian politics the right way."- this list of dissatisfaction with each other is endless. Conflicts literally break out out of the blue!

Sarah, 47 years old, entrepreneur. They have lived with their second husband, Igor, for 15 years; he is much older than her. “It was still good! But now it’s like he’s been replaced. He started going to clubs and drinking beer with some fans. That’s his age! Ever since he was laid off from a prestigious position at work, he’s constantly gloomy and irritable . He began to find fault with all sorts of trifles, which he had not paid attention to before! Now he says that he is leaving me for another woman - “he has gone completely crazy in his old age!” This waitress from the bar is simply fooling him and wants to chop off the property they acquired together! Otherwise Why does she need this old stump?

Sometimes wives do not know how to understand and support men in difficult situations. They don’t know how to talk, they consider his inner experiences a whim, a trifle. There is a simpleton who simply admires him and his generosity and with this bribes a man tired of failures and routine.

On the list of reasons why men cheat, the seventh item is his wife’s cheating!

This is in fact a common cause of suffering and betrayal in men, although it is customary to talk about it less. I help women who cheat on their husbands understand their feelings and decide who to stay with. But the most interesting thing is that men whose wife has cheated on them also begin to turn to the left. Much more often than women do this in revenge for their husband’s betrayal!

Client Alexandra, 52 years old. I came for a consultation with a question - “How do I understand what I want? My husband has long become uninteresting, he has gained weight and at home, mostly after work, he lies on the couch. When I left for work in another city, I even breathed a sigh of relief. I found an interesting man on the website and went to see him to visit. We had sex, and then it dragged on. My husband found out about my betrayal, first started drinking, and then admitted that after my betrayal, he also had a woman. And the hardest thing is that I feel guilty for helping our family fall apart." .

Sometimes, behind fleeting hobbies and stupid actions, we attract serious and irreversible problems. We lose loved ones, trust, love.

I have described the main reasons for husbands’ cheating, but there are also more exotic ones. Conflicts with the husband's friends can provoke scandals and betrayal by the man; often people quarrel over issues of raising children and cannot withstand the demands and pressure of their wives. And, of course, men would like to see their wives slim and fit, well-groomed and well dressed even at home.

“Sow—that’s what my husband calls me when I eat with him in the kitchen,”- Valentina admits. She is 35 and looks to weigh a good 100 kilograms. “When I married you, you were the slimmest on the course!Are caviar and chocolate more important to you than me? I’m ashamed to go out with you, not only to meet with partners, but even on the street!" This is not the entire list of his insults and complaints against me! I don’t want to endure this anymore! And I can’t lose weight! I already tried to lose it after maternity leave. We have 3 children, with each child I gain 10-15 kilograms! And now he takes a translator with him everywhere, even to places where he doesn’t need to translate! She, you see, is also an assistant! What kind of issues are these? I gave birth and "I'm raising his children! And he, the brute, sleeps with others!"

What unites all these reasons for men cheating on their women and wives? In my opinion, there is a significant contribution to the situation of infidelity by women themselves! And when you start talking to a woman, suddenly she realizes that she didn’t behave the way she really wanted! That often she did not understand why the advice of her mother or friend prevailed over her intuition, and she acted contrary to her vague or subtle desires. But my mother’s beliefs, the experience of her friends and the desire to do something to spite her husband made her adamant in the fight against her husband’s habits and his character. She also remembered that her grandmother said that all men are assholes, and they all walk around. Accepting the fact of betrayal, admitting one’s partial guilt is very valuable for a woman to change herself. It is important to understand - “What do I really want now? When I know for sure that my husband is cheating on me?”

This is a new starting point in the life of every woman! In her happy future with or without him.

Reading time: 2 min

What to do if a guy cheats? The betrayal of a loved one can greatly hurt a tender girl's soul. Often, girls, wearing rose-colored glasses, idealize their partner, as a result of which the infidelity of their chosen one becomes an unpleasant “surprise” for them. Cheating often implies not only mental toil, but also the need to find a way out of the imaginary deadlock.

What to do if your boyfriend cheats? First of all, you need to provide yourself with a clear solution to the dilemma of whether there is a need to continue the connection, hoping to return to the past, or whether it would be optimal to put an end to all interaction. When infidelity has random features, then you can lean towards the first option. If cases of betrayal occur regularly, then it is recommended to think thoroughly about ending all relationships with the traitor. In any case, it is better to make the final decision after carefully thinking it over, in other words, not rashly. Emotions and resentment are clearly not the consultants you should trust.

Infidelity for women is almost always a terrible event, but, unfortunately, it is by no means rare.

What to do if a guy cheats and lies? This question can be found quite often on the Internet. After all, the majority of representatives of the beautiful part of the population simply do not know how to behave in the current circumstances in order to suffer the least losses, how to react, how to communicate with a traitor, and, ultimately, what to do if your boyfriend is cheating. Often girls, having acquired a couple, begin to think that they own the young man indefinitely. This attitude is fundamentally wrong, since monotony quickly becomes boring and one craves novelty. Often, when one party cheats, both partners are to blame. However, if infidelity has already happened, then you should not look for many shortcomings in yourself, destroying yours.

So, the girl recently started a close relationship, but has already caught young man cheating and now wondering what to do if a guy cheats and lies, what decision to make, how to find a way out? Naturally, anyone can make a mistake, but living in constant lies, waiting for your “beloved” to come home from the next bed, is quite difficult. You need to understand that such a “bad” person is unlikely to change, so why waste years, nerves and energy on him?! Therefore, it is better to end the relationship and enjoy a free life, gradually moving towards new love. Willingness to forgive betrayal will only lead to complications in the relationship and his endless affairs on the side. Therefore, you need to gain courage, determination and endure the pain by leaving the unfaithful one.

What to do if a guy cheated with his girlfriend? Double betrayal is quite common. Girls who have been in a similar situation find it much more difficult to make a decision. After all, with their sentence they can lose two close people at one moment or maintain a relationship with one of the traitors, but then the other should be erased from life forever. After all, if you continue the relationship with both, then doubts and constant suspicions will someday overcome the girl, and she will lose her temper, which will lead to a nervous breakdown and even a severe depressive state. Often, before making a decision, women try to understand which of the traitors is more to blame. In fact, both are equally to blame. After all, there was no violence. And it doesn’t matter who started it first, who seduced whom, who flirted with whom. The important thing is that they were trusted, but they betrayed them. What to do if a guy cheated with his girlfriend, forgive or cross them out, how to continue to behave with them, who is to blame? Similar questions are asked by a woman facing the fact of double betrayal. Her state of mind is complicated by the constant attempts of the traitors to justify themselves. At some point, the lady believes that her partner was insidiously seduced by her bitch friend, at another, she thinks that her friend fell into the skillfully set trap of an experienced womanizer. If you want, you can find thousands of excuses, but this will not stop them being just excuses. Therefore, the most reasonable thing in the described situation would be to stop any interaction with both traitors.

What to do if a guy cheats but doesn't leave? This situation also occurs quite often. After all, the stronger half does not believe that infidelity is a reason to end such a comfortable and familiar relationship with a friend. Some women know that their husband is going to the left, but they prefer to remain silent. However, such an attitude will only worsen the interaction between partners. A man is not able to appreciate a woman’s forgiving behavior. He will begin to cheat with enviable regularity, without hiding. When the young lady forgives everything, strong half there’s just no need to change anything, because he’s already happy with everything. Therefore, if you are tormented by the question: what to do if a guy cheats, but does not leave, you need to make the only right decision - to break the vicious circle. After all, the beloved is not the only male representative in the world.

Thus, if you find out that a guy is cheating, what to do is an obsessive question, then psychologists advise, first of all, to take a break for ten days so that you can make a decision not based on emotions. Secondly, determine what good things connected with this person, what the girl will gain as a result of breaking or maintaining the connection, and what she will lose. In addition, you need to understand that having decided to continue the relationship with your partner, you must forget about the betrayal and never reproach it. Having dared to stop all communication with the traitor, you should follow this path to the bitter end.

Often, the infidelity of a young man can be revealed by indirect signs, and then the woman herself makes the decision whether to sort things out with her chosen one or pretend that she knows nothing. But what if the guy cheated and confessed? Firstly, falling into a stupor, sobbing bitterly, breaking dishes, or breaking into a scream is not worth it. After all, such behavior cannot change what happened. You'll have to live with this. It’s up to the woman to decide how exactly to live: either suffer, receiving bitter pleasure from her own torment, or forget the traitor and enjoy everything.

So, what to do if a guy cheated and confessed? It is necessary to understand that since there is a place for another passion in the life of a young man, then there is therefore no place for him in the life of his partner. Having lost love, you should try to preserve at least your pride. If a man really loves the girl he betrayed, then he will do everything to return his old feelings and trust.

Often, male infidelity is only a consequence of a fatal combination of circumstances, a blunder, a mistake, but there are also cases when a man changes his femininity more often than his socks. Hence the logical question: the guy cheats constantly, what should I do? Psychologists, as one, argue that in such a situation there is only one way out - a break. Love is meant to bring joy, not pain and humiliation. First of all, you need to love yourself. After all, a person who has not learned to love himself is simply not capable of loving his partner. Why endlessly forgive betrayals? What is it about a cheating partner that others don’t? A man who walks around is unlikely to change in the future, and constant quarrels with him will thoroughly damage your nerves, which will immediately be reflected on your appearance.

The guy cheats constantly, what should I do? Here the picture of events is further complicated by constant lies. There are many options for solving the described problem, and the injured party chooses which one to prefer. At the same time, it is necessary to realize that each “verdict” she chooses will provoke certain consequences. In view of this, the final choice on a certain decision should be made based on the expected consequences. In other words, it is necessary to prefer an option in which the victim of betrayal will suffer the least emotional and other losses.

I found out that my boyfriend is cheating, what should I do? Firstly, you need to remain calm, at least ostentatiously. Secondly, it is necessary to maintain consistency in behavior - having chosen a certain decision, you must follow it to the end. A breakup means you should not give in to persuasion, respond to SMS, meet, accept flowers or other signs of attention. The decision to forgive must also be followed to the end. True forgiveness lies in forgetting. That is, the fact of betrayal must be forgotten forever. In this case, the partner will begin to appreciate his chosen one for her ability to forgive.

In addition, if the girl has decided to forgive, then she needs to discuss the event with the young man in a calm atmosphere, without raising her voice. Also, you should not reproach him or blame him. You just need to ask him if love remains in his heart. If a man is in the mood for a peaceful resolution of the conflict, he will give preference to defensive tactics and agree with his partner’s terms. Thus, no matter how the situation develops, it should be perceived soberly and prudently.

To summarize, it should be said that any betrayal is easier to prevent than to clean up the consequences of betrayal. In most cases, infidelity does not happen out of nowhere. Basically, it is preceded by cooling between partners, routine in relationships, and boring intimate life. All this can be easily eliminated if there is an interest in continuing to interact with the young man. Moreover, the diversity in intimate life will give many unforgettable pleasant moments, improve the emotional mood of both partners, which will have a positive effect on absolutely all areas of life.

Speaker of the Medical and Psychological Center "PsychoMed"

“It was a long time ago, more than 10 years ago. I accidentally started dating my good friend. He somehow came to support me at a difficult moment - and off we go: meetings, SMS, telephone conversations and crazy sex...

He understood me very well: he always found the right words, and we had many common interests. But we didn’t publicize our relationship anywhere, didn’t meet our parents, celebrated holidays separately, and he didn’t stay overnight with me. He disappeared from time to time - he might not answer calls or during a conversation he would suddenly say: “Oh, I have a second line, hang on for now.” I had my suspicions, but he always found a rational explanation.

Once he “caught on” some ambiguous phrase of mine - he made it clear that he did not want to share me with others, he was jealous. We have already started talking about children, seriously discussing when and how.

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And then I went on a dream trip for three weeks. We called each other and corresponded. When I returned, we met, everything was fine, but after a couple of weeks he suddenly stopped answering calls. I was worried. When I got through and asked what was going on, he answered that he would soon become a dad.

It turns out that in addition to me, he dated two more girls, and one of them became pregnant. We parted quite peacefully after that and “closed” the issue. But, of course, I was very disappointed then, and it is still difficult for me to fully trust men in relationships.

He quarreled with that woman later: he did not see either her or the child. And five years later he got married, and now they have two lovely children.”

Leopard print swimsuit

“I was 21 years old, I was a delicate flower and fell in love - at first sight. This is actually my thing - love at first sight. We met at a house party, everything happened quickly, and now we have an affair. This happened in October.

In November, his friends and I already went to ski resort- everything was amazing! We returned from the trip on January 5, and the next day he flew to a corporate event in Egypt. From there he wrote to me, called me, and then suddenly disappeared: he stopped writing, answering calls...

I panicked - I thought something had happened. When he arrived, he didn’t call me right away. And when he decided, he said that we need to have a serious conversation.

I silently broke the tea cup. He left. And I began to suffer. I felt so bad that I stopped eating, didn’t leave the house, and started vomiting bile and blood. I called him and told him that I needed help. He took me to the hospital and it turned out that I had liver problems.

He helped me, tried to support me. It seemed to me that I loved him more than anyone in the world. I wanted everything to be the same as before, for this to never happen, and, of course, I wanted to be with him again.

He offered to start all over again, saying that he had made a mistake. I believed we were together again. But very quickly I realized that I could neither forget nor forgive. I found a photo on his computer with this girl - she was posing in a leopard print swimsuit. After that I just couldn’t see leopard print swimsuits!

He proposed to me and I accepted. But the whole time we were preparing for the wedding, I cried, it seemed to me that I was making a terrible mistake, I suspected him of other infidelities, and one day I realized that I was not waiting for him to return home. I don't want him to come back.

We broke up three weeks before the wedding because... he accused me of cheating (which was not the case)! He found my correspondence with a friend, where I admitted that I was flirting with a colleague. Of course, I was offended: both because of the wedding and because of the unfair accusation... I just bought a leopard print swimsuit and went to Egypt - and then they let me go.”

Nothing happens

“We were married for twenty years, three children... I haven’t worked for the last few years - the eldest was enrolling, the youngest was taking the youngest to study groups, and the middle one had psychological problems that needed to be solved. My husband always worked hard and could return home at eleven in the evening or at midnight. His relationship with his sons was tense. He constantly reproached me for not working, but “sitting on his neck,” but as soon as I found some part-time work (I’m a tutor in English language), began to be indignant that I devote little time to children.

Four years ago he had a mistress. To be honest, I found out about it quite quickly. Classics: “work” meetings on weekends, “business trips” for three or four days, large expenses that he did not explain in any way... In the end, I accidentally took his phone number (from us similar models), when he called, and there was a female voice. What have I done? She hung up and pretended that nothing had happened.

That’s how we lived – as if nothing was happening. At first, of course, I cried. Not because I suffered from his betrayal, but rather from confusion: what should I do now? I have three children, no job, no apartment... I cried for several days and made a plan. Yes, it took me almost four years to somehow get back on my feet, start making money again by tutoring and save money to rent a house.

I had “Day X”. The funny thing is, when I told him that I was leaving, he was VERY surprised that I knew about him and his mistress. We parted ways. But when he wanted to live with his mistress, she refused him. So she said: “Why do I need this, for you to cheat on me too?”

"Habitual" betrayals

“He cheated on me three times.

Although, probably, the first time can hardly be called treason. I liked one guy - Sasha, a fitness trainer. It was mutual: he looked after me, showed me some signs of attention, gave me gifts. When his girlfriend wrote to me, it was a blow: “Sorry, if you and Sasha have nothing, but if suddenly you have something, then just know: we are a couple.” I showed the message to Sasha. He simply remained silent. I freaked out, took a taxi and went home.

It’s hard to say why I kept him next to me then. Probably it was all due to my interest in sports: I thought, how come, he chose not me, but another woman. In the end, he broke up with her, and we began to live together.

And Sasha’s peculiarity was that he never cheated just for sex. He courted, always started a real romance and made the woman believe that she was his only one.

And then one day I came to his work, and there was a girl there - I knew that she had been working with him privately. They stood in the corridor and talked in raised voices, and clearly not about how to pump your butt correctly. I approached, she saw me and understood everything. Sasha also didn’t tell her that he had a girlfriend.

It's always devastation. It's like falling into an abyss. But I loved him, loved him very much, I just couldn’t imagine how I would leave my loved one (although there was where and for what).

I found out about his third mistress because she began to write in her in social networks about personal life, about relationships with a man, and all this was very similar to our story with him. By the way, she also studied with him. At first he convinced me that I was imagining things, I came up with an idea... I told him: “Sasha, be a man, tell me the truth!” And he confessed. This is already disgusting. This emptiness was no longer there, but it was so disgusting. Not only from betrayal, but also from the fact that he told this girl a lot of personal things about us.

We eventually broke up. The irony is that the reason for this was not even his infidelities.”

"No, you can't stay with me"

“I met a guy in St. Petersburg. Both of us were not in the mood for a romantic relationship, we agreed that we would simply enjoy each other’s company, without any obligations. We had sex - even very good sex. But when I returned to Moscow, he continued to write to me, and I answered him. We visited each other, and everything somehow became more serious than we had planned... I began to think about moving to St. Petersburg for good. I found an apartment there - Vitalik and I had no plans to move in together yet, we both decided that it was too hasty. I got everything sorted out and prepared to move.

I rented an apartment remotely, and Vitalik came to pick up the keys in advance. We agreed that as soon as I arrived in the city, I would drop by his work and pick up the keys. I arrive - he’s not there. I'm calling. It turns out that he didn’t show up for work, didn’t warn me and asked me to come to his house.

And this is far away Leningrad region. I swore, but what to do, I need the keys. I went to him, exhausted, squeezed like lemon, no strength, no charge on the phone... I told him: “Can I stay with you for the night? I can’t stand on my feet anymore.”

And then he suddenly says to me: “No, you can’t stay with me, my sister and her husband are visiting me.” - "So what? - I was surprised. “A big house outside the city, there’s enough room for everyone, and it’s like we’re not strangers.” But he doesn’t go anywhere - he just doesn’t let me in. Finally he split up and admitted that he has a girlfriend here in St. Petersburg, with whom he has a serious relationship, he has already introduced her to her parents. And now he was afraid that his sister might tell her everything.

It should be noted that this month in St. Petersburg has been very strange.”

we change: frank conversation

Despite the fact that in nature there are a sufficient number of animal species that support monogamy, humanity encountered this phenomenon not so long ago. If you believe modern research, then before the era of feudalism, despite the calls of individual religions, no one particularly cared about who exactly this offspring was from and with whom the faithful slept besides the legal spouse.

In addition to the issue of inheritance and family name transfer, monogamy carried significant social functions that helped Western world in survival. One sexual partner means protection from infections, relative birth control and, oddly enough, a reduction in military conflicts - if the law stipulates who should give what, there is nothing to fight over.

Modern people, in the overwhelming majority, do not have such problems - we do not inherit feudal castles and lands, how many children we have and from whom - we decide and regulate them ourselves, and I hope we know how to protect ourselves from STDs almost from high school.

What is surprising in this case is that betrayal remains the main cause of divorce. We do not take modern trends into account - after all, the same polyamorists can still be counted on one hand (I personally only have five acquaintances), but still - why for us, modern people, is this notorious loyalty so important? Isn't this just imposed stereotypical thinking?

Not long ago I learned a new term – compersion (the feeling of joy that your partner enjoys in another intimate/romantic relationship). To be honest, I can’t try it on myself yet - I’m still quite conservative, but I chatted with interest with people who are loyal to “official” betrayals.

I'M CHEATING ON ME

Ivan, 35 years old

(name changed)

My wife and I have been together for ten years - we used to work together, and one crisis situation brought us very close. I almost have Stockholm syndrome.

She immediately broke up with her previous boyfriend, I left my then-wife. The wedding took place three months later. We came up with a common cause, and all these years we have been together 24/7.

I have never had any thoughts about betrayal - I am from a traditional patriarchal family, born and raised in an urban village. My wife is from big city, but of eastern blood - I also always seemed conservative in terms of family foundations.

Two years ago she said that we needed to have a serious conversation - there was no sign of trouble, at first I even thought that maybe she was sick, and I was bracing myself for the worst.

My wife told me that she is in love with a girl

My wife told me that she is in love with a girl and they have been having an affair for several months. At first there was shock and bewilderment, then a logical question followed - what should we do? I love my wife and I can’t imagine my life without her. To my shock, she said that her feelings for me had not cooled down either. At first I freaked out and left, lived with a friend, but felt that I couldn’t live without her. After some time, we met again and realized that we had to save the marriage. I met her new lover - a normal girl, she did not evoke any negative emotions in me.

After discussing the situation, the three of us decided to try to live with this composition. We rented out our previous apartment and rented a larger one. We have been living this way for almost two years now.

At first it was unusual - a stranger in the house. But gradually we adapted, and now I see only advantages. We all work and are very busy, often there is not enough time for either tenderness or everyday life. When you live with three people, all this is somehow easier to solve. We each have our own room, we can go visit.

We all work and are very busy, often there is not enough time for either tenderness or everyday life. When you live with three people, all this is somehow easier to solve

Sometimes the three of us sleep together, but I’ve never had sex with my wife’s girlfriend - we don’t feel attracted to each other.

I’m not looking for a relationship on the side - why? My wife completely satisfies me, and her lover and I have become truly good friends.

All our friends are surprised; we didn’t inform our parents. Although once the three of us went to visit them - they are sure that this is just our friend.

Most often they ask me whether I could be so loyal if my wife fell in love with another man and not a woman. I can say with confidence - yes, gender does not matter. Many in long-term relationships go to the left - I know for sure that we trust each other and are open, no betrayal in the classical sense of the word awaits me.

I don’t feel somehow defective - my wife gives me even more than what we had in a monogamous relationship.

In the future, of course, we are planning children - there is harmony in our family, we are wealthy adults - why shouldn’t we want to continue our family?

I'M CHANGING

Anya, 24 years old

Let's just say I'm a pretty attractive girl - I've always received a lot of attention from fans. Even in my youth, I didn’t want a monogamous relationship - if someone offered to date me, I immediately warned me that I was not ready to be with one man. Some people ran away immediately, some stayed, but usually it didn’t last long.

It seems to me that I have no reasons for this - I come from a full-fledged family, my parents have been together all my life. I just always wanted more attention, more variety. Plus - I loved the candy-bouquet period, and after six months I became bored.

I just always wanted more attention, more variety. Plus - I adored the candy-bouquet period

We met my future husband when I was 17. He fell in love instantly, and so did I. He proposed a relationship, I voiced to him my view on these things, to which he replied, “We’ll see!”

And it’s true that for the first few years I didn’t see anyone except him; I was disgusted to even think about other men. In our sex full compatibility. And in mutual understanding too.

But several years passed, we were already married, and I fell in love with our mutual friend. The feelings were mutual. I was very tormented, I didn’t want to cheat or break up - it seemed that the passion would pass, and my husband was already dear, eternal.

But deception is not my way at all, so even before sex with this man, I told my husband everything. Surprisingly, he reacted calmly - he said that I should protect myself, inform him when I go on dates with this person, and I should not appear with him in in public places– not everyone we know will understand us.

My husband says that I’m just amorous and have such a temperament

I thought that since he treats it this way, it means he has someone too. In general, neither my husband nor I exclude this possibility, but so far he has not had other women - I am absolutely sure of this.

We had a bright, wonderful romance with the new guy about three months, and then, as I expected, the feelings passed. It should be noted that this did not affect our life with my husband in any way - everything was as good as before.

My husband says that I’m just amorous and that’s my temperament. Why change a person if it is better to accept him as he is?

When we fall in love, it seems - let anything happen, as long as the chosen one is with me! And then it all disappears somewhere, and we begin to put forward endless conditions - don’t go there, don’t communicate with that person. That is, for me love is unconditional understanding and support. My husband loves me, and I love him madly. Just don’t think that he’s henpecked—nothing of the sort. He is the most important authority and head of our family.

Afterwards I had several more similar novels, my husband is always aware. We are satisfied with everything, but before public opinion I don't care. I want children, and I will only give birth to him. We’re not planning on it yet, but in three years, definitely.

WE ARE CHANGING

Anastasia, 30 years old

When my friends told me that their husbands were cheating on them, I always oohed and ahhed and hated the scoundrels along with them.

My boyfriend and I have been living together for eight years and were also a monogamous couple at first.

One day, he and I were discussing an article we had read - it talked about open marriages. And somehow, very delicately, we came to the conclusion that we could try this form of relationship - we were both interested.

At first I felt afraid of losing him, because there was no turning back - if one of us became hurt or uncomfortable, we would hardly be able to return to our previous relationship.

It seems that they agreed that it was possible to walk to the left (only in the open!), but in fact, nothing happened for some time. They continued to live as before.

Cheating is a disaster in a family. And this pain is hard to endure. But only she can move you from the dead point of your ossified beliefs and attitudes.

When a man cheats, finds someone else, or leaves a woman, her initial desire to get her partner back is understandable. But what is hidden behind this desire? Love? Habit? Fear of being alone? It's not so easy to understand...

And how many people think about these questions? Women are determined to regain “their happiness” and, with the fervor of warriors, rush into battle to retain their partner. Only what usually moves them at such moments is not wisdom and inner peace, but despair, resentment, and anger. Is there any chance of winning in this state?

Let's talk today about a very difficult period in a woman's life - when she found out about her husband's betrayal and wants to return everything to normal.

What are you fighting for?

When women, in their categorical desire to return their husbands, are obsessed with fear, resentment and the desire to insist on their own, they make many mistakes. And this is understandable. The betrayal caused them great pain, because they did not expect such a betrayal. And yet, how to behave correctly even in such an extremely difficult situation?

Resentment and anger force you to throw out all your emotional negativity on a man. These are reproaches, accusations, showdowns. And it’s okay if your partner realized how hurt he hurt you and decided to leave the relationship on the side. And if not? What are you going to do?

You are trying to get him back. At any cost. You admit all your mistakes and agree with all the arguments. You hope that after this the man will again become only yours.

But try to do the almost impossible - think: what (who) are you fighting to return? After all, it was your character, your behavior that ultimately led to your partner cheating on you.

Yes, you lived for the sake of your family, you pulled everything on yourself... So what?

Based on my many years of experience, I concluded that women whose husbands cheat on them have a similar mental make-up and attitude towards their partner. Namely: this is a man’s disrespect, irritation with him, making claims, dissatisfaction, tireless control over his actions, scandals because of his desires, the desire to be alone. Do you want it all back?

Family disaster

Cheating is a disaster in a family. It destroys the way of life and the inner world of a woman. And the point is not only that the partner leaves, but that the feeling of safety, need, and comfort is lost.

Of course, you expect the cheater to repent and admit that he still loves you. And then... you will forget everything and forgive. You cannot accept the fact that a man has really stopped loving you and that he is now caring for another woman. Because thoughts about this bring great pain, they are excruciating.

You have long considered your partner to be your property, and it doesn’t matter whether he is good or bad, but he is YOURS. You didn’t even imagine that he had his own desires, interests, feelings - unrelated to you. He was like a pet: cute, sometimes causing trouble. And you periodically scolded him and got irritated. But you didn’t think that he was capable of breaking these bonds (or maybe chains?).

And now your entire arranged, comfortable life is crumbling. You really felt comfortable with the man. You drove him into the framework of your ideas about the family, imposing your desires and thoughts on him. You had no respect for him. Because a woman is not able to respect such an overly flexible, obedient partner. And although she may have warm feelings for him, she does not see him as a man. Because lack of respect does not make it possible to see masculine qualities and strength in a partner. This means that you cannot feel like a woman, you lose your sense of femininity. In such relationships there is no full exchange of energies... and this is a direct road to betrayal.

Man's perception

To feel like a woman again, you need to revive your respect for men and other people. Stop subjugating your partner and leading him. After all, this ultimately leads to the fact that you begin to consider him a weakling. But why do men allow this?

The fact is that a man tries to be good in the eyes of the woman he loves, so he accepts your rules of the game, and they are such that when someone does not act your way, you feel unhappy, angry, hate.

This is how you get into vicious circle your complexes: you are unhappy all the time, because if a man pleases you, you do not respect him, and if he acts according to his own interests, you feel unnecessary.

Your husband sees your suffering, and, taking all your experiences personally, he believes that he is the source of your unhappiness. And the woman is also not lazy to point this out to him once again.

Admit it honestly, you always thought that your husband, in general, was not worthy of you. He is not practical, and he does not particularly shine with intelligence. He does everything somehow wrong, because you know what is better and more correct. And, of course, he must value you very much, because it is not very clear how such a bungler got such a golden woman. Unfortunately, a character worthy of you simply did not come your way.

You like to do your business alone, so that your husband does not disturb you. Sometimes you get annoyed with him. And even if you try to hide your negativity towards him, your underlying attitude determines your reality. And only after betrayal do you begin to behave differently, showing respect for your partner, paying him due attention, thus “enticing” him to your side.

But it is impossible to deceive a man, and even yourself. No matter how outwardly you pretend to appreciate him, only sincere feelings affect the situation. Such a simple example: you see your husband’s dirty plate and, smiling, ask him to wash it, but the expression of your eyes and intonation betray your anger. And, of course, he answers you rudely. He mirrors your true attitude towards him.

Why are men successful for one woman and not for another? Because the first one sees them as a MAN. And this is the most important thing.

To change the atmosphere in the family, you need to change your beliefs about your partner and start behaving differently. Otherwise, you will remain in the swamp of unhappiness and discontent.

How to see your mistakes

Having learned about her husband's betrayal, a woman begins to behave differently, and even she begins to think that she loves her husband. Only most often what awakens in you is not love at all, it is the fear of loss, the fear of being left alone.

A man cheats for two reasons: he does not feel, firstly, love and respect from the woman, and secondly, that he is needed.

True love always means respect. Not just openness, warmth, care, but also respect - I emphasize this.

Women express themselves differently in relationships. Some respect a man, but do not know how to show tenderness. Others can neither love nor respect their partner. They just routinely perform the duties of a wife and mother.

Be in love- this means being sincere in relationships, open, caring, tender, emotional.

Respect- means appreciating the significance of another person’s personal space, recognizing his boundaries, individuality, his right to own interests. This is the ability to accept and not judge.

Unfortunately, often only the betrayal of a spouse makes a woman see the mistakes in her behavior. You begin to realize that you have gone too far. And now you are confident in your desire to change. But this desire rarely leads to a deep transformation that radically changes your attitude towards a man.

The fact is that this attitude, and therefore this manner of behavior, is embedded in your soul very, very deeply. Superficial changes do not lead to change, and soon your usual irritation and anger will manifest themselves again. You need to transform your deep-seated attitudes related to the perception of your husband as a man.

When clients complain to me about their spouse, I recommend that they diary. This way you can track your true attitude towards your partner.

So, write in your diary:

• all negative thoughts about your husband;
• comparisons of the spouse not in his favor with other men;
• your positive thoughts;
• your praises for your spouse.

It is important to note, How many since you thought a certain way about your husband. Write down your thoughts in detail, phrases (for example, “He did a very good job of helping me, what a great guy he is”). Keep a diary for one and a half to three months. And then analyze your notes.

This way you can see your true attitude towards your spouse. You will notice the cyclical nature of your mood. And you will also understand that when you treated your husband positively, no matter what he did, it did not irritate you. But in a wave of anger, you were unhappy with everything.

That is, a man’s behavior actually does not have such a strong impact on you. And you are under the influence of internal reality, internal programs. And, most likely, you didn’t even notice that most of the time you treated your husband poorly.

Return at any cost

. But only she can move you from the dead point of your ossified beliefs and attitudes.

As I already wrote above, after you become aware of your husband’s infidelity, provoked by an internal fear of loneliness, “love” and desire for him may suddenly flare up in you. You become obsessed in your quest to get your partner back. And this is your big mistake.

Of course, now it’s hard for you to believe that your man doesn’t love you anymore. And with the departure of his love, your ordered and familiar world disappears. At such moments, a woman panics.

At the same time, someone, offended and angry, immediately breaks all ties with the traitor, leaving him with a broken heart. And someone cannot let go of another person and lives in anticipation of his return, thereby prolonging his torment for years. But in both cases, you either plunge into the abyss of painful experiences, humiliation, abandonment, betrayal, or you accept the lesson of life and try to comprehend what it teaches you.

In an effort to return to the past, to return the man, the woman is thus saved from pain and unbearable suffering from the breakup. But this is only one side of her aspirations. On the other hand, she wants to return to the familiar, comfortable, safe feeling myself and your space.

Of course, you can get your partner back by pressing on his pity, feelings of guilt and duty. But this does not at all guarantee the return of love and warmth to the family.

If a man has been building his relationship with another woman for several months, plans a divorce, tries at the first opportunity to leave for his rival, this means that he is already with her in soul and heart, and only duty, sympathy and habit keep him in his previous union, and this is an unreliable foundation.

To change yourself

To get your partner back, you need to change. But there is one very important nuance — motive for change. And the motive in this case should not be the desire to return her husband and her old life, but the desire to become truly happy, on her own. And the changes should not be superficial, but deep. And first of all, you need to work out your attitude towards men in general.

To change means to go through the lesson of betrayal, accepting the break at a deep level of the psyche. This means analyzing your entire life together to understand how you came to this ending.

Only when you change your unconscious attitude towards men will you have a chance to get your partner back. But even if he doesn’t return, you will become happier and more harmonious on your own and will be able to attract a new man.

If you continue to blame only your husband for everything, it will be difficult for you to build new life. And even having returned it, you will soon slip back into the old rut of dissatisfaction and irritation in the relationship.

You need to experience a symbolic separation from a man. Say goodbye to him, mourn your loss, your grief, the collapse of your hopes. You need to accept that he loves someone else. Live the pain of betrayal. And with all this, let go of all grievances.

In order for you to have a chance to get your partner back, you need to stop looking for love in him, and find the source of this bright feeling in yourself.

The desire in itself to return someone to get hold of, out of spite, out of revenge, will not give you happiness. And even if you can get your man back, internal resentment and anger at him will gradually eat away at your relationship and your perception of yourself as a woman. The pursuit of love only leads to running away from oneself.

Shift your attention to revealing the source of love in yourself, to accepting men. You know, no one has ever run away from love.

Being able to accept heartache after betrayal and breakup is an important step on the path of spiritual development.

As a result of sincere acceptance of pain, true humility arises in you, deep peace and balance comes. When you go through the experience of bottomless emptiness and loneliness, you will be able to feel the real YOU. And this is a new standard of living. This is how they gain true freedom when there is no dependence on someone else’s love.

And only after accepting the lesson of parting, after living through the pain, will you have the opportunity to see in your partner just a person who can be loved and respected, like other people on this earth.

To bring someone back into your life, you need to sacrifice something - the other person’s disrespect, pride, laziness, dependence, the desire to be alone, fears.

Towards... myself

When you want to bring a person back into your life, you should think about how you will live together after everything that happened. And this is a very serious moment.

Women often try to give men a certain lifestyle vector: they tell them how to dress, how to eat, what to say, where to go, when Can meet friends. And any “step to the side” is perceived as an insult. In addition, women try to teach their partners how to treat their other halves. All this only worsens the discord in the family. And it turns out that women are only concerned with that part of their partner’s life that is directly related to them, while the man himself and his individuality fade into the background, if not the third.

Now, in an effort to get your husband back, you need to get to know him again. And don’t look for warmth and admiration for you now in his eyes. This will not happen at this stage.

But it is possible that all your efforts do not bring any results, and this causes irritation. This is how your unfulfilled expectations express themselves.

Do not repeat this mistake again - after all, you have not accepted your husband in family life because it didn't meet your expectations. And now you are again waiting for him what you need action scenario - he must forget the other woman, admit guilt, ask for forgiveness. But his feelings for you are different.

You can change the situation only in one case - if you come to terms with what is happening, let go of your partner without getting angry or offended, and work on yourself, because untransformed internal anger will not allow you not only to get your partner back, but also to build a new happy life in general.

I would like to note that, of course, a woman should not bow down to her husband or blindly please him in everything. Don't lose your dignity.

Go towards love... in yourself. It is she who will miraculously transform your life, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s life with your old partner or with a new one. Changing your own consciousness is very difficult. But there is simply no other option.

Only spiritual development can lead you to a path free from suffering. And it's better to take this path sooner rather than later. Remember that ALL you have is you yourself. And it will always be like this. And your guardian angel has already led you onto the road of change - follow it, to yourself, to joy, new happiness.

will help you get through difficult times in your life.

With love,

Irina Gavrilova Dempsey